Thursday, September 6, 2012

Close Encounters + Miracles

I have been debating on whether or not to share this experience but in the end I feel prompted that I should.  I want to keep this blog real.  I don't want to share just my good experiences or just what I learn on the other side of my trials because that isn't the entire picture.  For two reasons I feel it is important to also share my trials: 1. for journaling purposes for myself so I can look back and remember and learn from my own experiences and 2. so that maybe some of you may also be able to take something from my experience.

So with that...

I almost slipped yesterday.  ::: facepalm::: I know ::: sigh :::...

I've been going through some real hard stress lately and it all just caught up to me.  I was sitting on my couch, alone, and BLAMO... this rip roaring temptation just fell on me.  I pulled out my phone and opened my web browser and stared at it while thinking "no, not a good idea" and then an immediate response of "good idea" entered my head.  I allowed my brain to glance forward and think about how I would feel on the other side of that decision and decided to put my phone away.  I thought simply putting my phone away would be enough - I thought I was free.  But I didn't move.  I didn't take action and physically remove myself from that situation.  I just sat there.  

My stagnancy allowed rationalizations and justifications to creep in and I again pulled out my phone.  Almost robotically I started searching for old haunts that I used to visit on the web. My Spirit was screaming inside me "noooo!!" but somehow I couldn't stop.  None of  my usual sites would load though because I'd previously installed the K9 web browser app on my phone to protect myself (miracle #1).  I managed to pause long enough to text my Bishop and say "Tell me not to.  Please please please!" and then went back to searching. This time I decided to search a "most viewed" list on a popular video media site that isn't blocked by K9.  I'd previously skipped over many videos in that list because of their inappropriateness so I knew they were there.  But when I looked for them this time, not even one of those videos was there; not one single one (miracle #2).  In the midst of my frustration a text popped up from a friend from group asking me if I would be attending group that night (miracle #3).  Was it a coincidence that her text popped up right when it did?  Hardly.  The timing of that text was a direct tender mercy.

My friend's text gave me long enough to really pause and think. I began to recognize these seemingly inconvenient roadblocks as very personalized protection from the Lord.  That pause lasted long enough to allow my bishop to respond with "don't you even think about doing it!" and at that moment I knew I couldn't and by choice I made that couldn't a wouldn't.

I immediately crashed to my knees and while sobbing I expressed my deep heartfelt sorrow to my Father in Heaven for letting my guard down, for getting prideful and for not turning my stress over to Him.  I also expressed my sincere gratitude for the angels He had sent to protect me.  I have the utmost faith and belief that I have been assigned personal angels to protect me.  I have no doubt that in this moment they were working with the Holy Ghost and scrambling to create those "road blocks."  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such protection.

I am also very grateful for friends who listen to the Spirit.  My friend had no clue what was going on at my end but she followed the prompting of the Spirit anyway to text me when she did.  To you I say thank you.

I'm still spinning from the whole experience.  It's been eye opening and I have been spending time mapping my cycle to see how I got to the point that I did.  I'm going to group tonight and will soak up the Spirit there and I'm meeting with my Bishop on Sunday.  It seems I've gotten away from the basics and I need to get back to them.

I believe it's noteworthy to also mention that when this happened I was three days away from hitting my 2 year sobriety mark.  Satan is really good at attacking right before milestones or anniversary marks.  He's also good about attacking right after them.  He does not want me to succeed.

I have also been fortunate to run into a song that describes exactly where I am right now emotionally and Spiritually.  This song may seem somewhat depressing but for me it's honest.  I have to acknowledge where I am in order to move out of it.  I want to share this song with you.


Havoc - Alanis Morissette

(Lyrics are below the video)




Just when I thought I had handles on this
I could soften my guard behind false confidence
Just when I found humble pie insipid
Exempt from this blind side and firmly in its grip

'Cause I'm seduced by reaction and honor the influence

(Chorus)
I'm slipping again
I'm up to old tricks
Off my wagon
I have no defense
I'm reeking havoc
Reeking havoc
And consequence

I get reduced by my own willfullness
As I reach for my usual God replacements

'Cause I am rich with sanction, and lax in my steps

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
If forgiveness is understanding than I
Affirm mea culpa for the millionth time
From this toppling house of cards of mine

I am beaten by my impulsiveness
By this uncanny foreshadowing of regret

'Cause I'm repulsed by restriction, at least that's my excuse

(Chorus x2)

6 comments:

  1. i am glad i am not the only one with that issue in the church.

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  2. I've been going through a similar experience reading Step 6. Definitely need to get back to some basics. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. Thank you very much. Your experience has blessed my life.

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  4. As you can tell, i'm blog stalking you. I just love all of your experiences and how honestly you share them. You really give me courage to continue being honest with myself even when it is so hard and so uncomfortable.

    I have had experiences like this in the past, unfortunately I was not strong enough to stop once I started even when I would be provided with a road block/miracle. There were times that I was searching on the web and a family member would call or text me and I would ignore the call or the text. :(

    It's so amazing how the spirit can work to influence others to reach out to us in our desparate times of need. I hope I can be receptive on both ends of that if there is ever a close call in the future.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"