Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Journal:Twitter, ARP Firesides and Fear of Moving

It's been quite a while since I've written a journal entry.  I have a hard time fitting the journal entries into my blog post priority list.  I have around 45 draft posts in various stages whether they are needing to be written, edited or just posted.  I have a hard time thinking that my mundane journal posts could be more meaningful than talking about principles of recovery.  But I feel like I need to write more journal posts.  I know that when I find someone on the internet that I admire - I have a desire to know more about that person as well as the wisdom they have to offer.  So I'm trying to share more of me. 

So I have my entire iPod song list on shuffle right now... so I'm going to list songs I'm listening to as I write this.  Give you a taste of the type of music I love/listen to!  Also I'm not going to skip over ANY songs - it will be straight shuffle.  Oh and I realize that there are ALOT of songs in comparison to the little bit written... that's because I was also working while listening/blogging.


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Song: Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
Song: This Grudge - Alanis Morissette
Song: Angel Standing By - Jewel

Joining Twitter + Fears
Well I did it.  I joined Twitter.  I'm actually still in shock that I did this.  I never did get the tweeting thing.  I thought it was dumb actually.  But, I thought maybe I could reach a wider audience this way - find more people that might be feeling alone and hopeless.  I'm still not sure it's something I'm going to continue though.  I have 8 followers right now.  This morning I had 9.  I clicked on the 9th to see who it was and was faced with a nude picture.  I froze.  And then panicked.  Luckily that person actually stopped following me before I could remove them but it was still a bit of a rude awakening.  That's been one of my fears in coming out with my story.  I didn't/don't really fear judgement by people because I have a really excellent support system in place.  I have great friends, family, ward members and groupies that secure that support system.  I was/am more concerned that mean people in the world would send me pornographic content or just try and put triggers in my path.  I haven't actually had any of that happen... but the Twitter follower this morning has served as a red flag of warning.  If things like that continue to happen, I'll remove myself from Twitter.  I know that Heavenly Father will direct me to people I need to reach.  And I know that Heavenly Father will direct people that need to be reached to my blog.  And I know, without doubt, that in the process He would not put me in danger.  My point is, if I kill Twitter it will be because it puts my own recovery at risk and Heavenly Father will be totally OK with that.  He's good about finding other ways to connect people:-)
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Song: Two Hearts - Phil Collins
Song: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful - The Lower Lights
Song: We Are - Matt Scannell & Richard Marx
Song: Afer Ventus - Enya
Song: Hark! the Herald Angels Sing - MoTab

Dr. Hilton + ARP Firesides and Opportunities
I had the opportunity to attend a monthly ARP Fireside this past Sunday night.  We had a very special guest speaker: Dr. Donald Hilton, author of He Restoreth My Soul.  He is a neurosurgeon out of San Antonio Texas and also serves as the ARP Mission Coordinator for his area.  My story was also published in the second edition of his book 3 years or so ago.  I recently emailed my blog to him to let him know of my progression and my recent endeavors to help sisters who are struggling and alone and then also re-introduced myself to him before the fireside started.  He expressed that there is a need in San Antonio for women with good recovery to help others who are struggling in that area.  I of course offered to help in any way I can.  It is absolutely amazing to me how small the world has become since I started recovery.  I used to feel like such a small blip in the world, nothing really.  But now I feel like everyone is my family and I'm so eager to welcome them into my arms.  I guess that's a taste of how the Savior feels.   The fireside itself was awesome and left me feeling very grateful for the program we have.  There is something powerful about sitting in a room full of people that just want to recover from whatever is keeping them separate from God.  On some level everyone there, in that moment, was facing Heaven.  So awesome!  After the fireside I had the opportunity to meet with Steven and Rhyll Croshaw, founders of SA Lifeline Foundation.  Wow aren't they wonderful!  I may have opportunity to work with them in the future as well which would be aWeSoMe!
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Song: The Power of Love - Huey Lewis & The News
Song: DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love - Usher
Song: Alone - Celine Dion
Song: A Day Without Rain - Enya
Song: Imaginary - Evanescence
Song: It's Not Right But It's OK - Whitney Houston
Song: The River of Dreams - Billy Joel
Song: The Real Me - Natalie Grant

Fear of Moving
So we are moving in January, or that's the plan.  We were suppose to move this past September but that fell through so now we are shooting for January.  I'm absolutely terrified to move.  I'm really big on comfort zones and my current ward and Bishop are a HUGE comfort zone for me.  I found my recovery in my ward.  I found my Savior.  I learned to love my Savior.  I'm afraid I'm going to move into another ward and just be a number.  That I'll get lost.  But we have to move.  We are a family of 5 crammed into a 2-bedroom townhouse and we are simply out of room.  We have to move.  And I'm excited to move when I think about having a bigger place, hopefully an actual house, with a yard.  I'm excited when I think about my kids having a ward where there are TONS of kids their age and they can run up the street and play with a gang of friends.  I'm excited to not be ashamed of my shambles of a home (it's wrought with clutter) and actually be confidant to have people over for dinner and get-together's.  So from that perspective I am super excited to move.  I seem to cycle back and forth between the two perspectives which is exhausting in itself.  But what I am working to focus my attention on is feeling secure in my Savior.  That no matter where I move, He will always remain the same.  He will always remain as close to me as I allow and He will never leave me.  He will guide me to a ward that is good for me, for whatever needs I may have.  He will also guide me to a ward that will help and refine me.  So I'm focusing on the positive.  
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That's about it for now - minus one question that I want to ask an anonymous reader that I haven't heard from in a while...

Rose, are you still reading?

4 comments:

  1. I am still reading, dear fiend. I really enjoyed both of your lessons on Sunday. I'm getting there very slowly, but surely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok good. Just extending the invitation again to email me anonymously. There are things I'd like to say to you but don't really want to say it in a blog comment ya know? No pressure - ok maybe a little pressure - haha... but anyways. Again my email address is bythelightofgrace@gmail.com. I'm waiting!

      Oh and I love how you called me a fiend;-) LOL

      sidreis

      Delete
  2. I guess I just don't know what to say. Besides saying a few words in several Bishop's offices, this is something I've never spoke about with anyone not even my husband. I can't even say the words out loud. This is a secret that is so deeply embedded in me that it's even hard to bring to the surface. I am doing better. I haven't given in to temptation for several months and haven't really even been tempted. Even though he doesn't know it, my husband is helping to keep temptation away. I think I finally understand that my husband really does love me and will always be there. That is huge for me to comprehend as I have never really felt unconditionally loved. Anyway, I will email you soon. I know I've said that before but I will. It is just really uncomfortable for me to talk about these things.

    Fiend...goodness. I really should proofread!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't have to say anything:-) You can just say "this is Rose" and then I'll do all the talking:-)

      Glad you are doing better!

      :-)

      Sidreis

      Delete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"