Friday, April 5, 2013

Journal: I Slipped

I slipped.

....sigh.....

Two nights ago I stepped across the threshold into a dark and inky blackness.

My thoughts are completely jumbled right now.  I'm still in shock.

I woke the following morning (yesterday morning) in a complete and utter daze.  I did my best to hide my emotion  from my family (I have been in Montana staying with my parents) but I only found myself isolating.  I was so desperate to get away and just disappear... but how could I without giving things away?

Good news: I did tell Tim right away.  I text him at like 2am right after I slipped.  I knew that if I waited till morning the desire to hide it would increase and I didn't want to get in trouble that way.  I also told my Bishop the following morning and made an appointment to visit with him this coming Sunday between conference sessions.

I don't have internet protection on my phone... so the stress I was under and the knowledge of available access proved to be too heavy for me to handle on my own.  I was dumb.  I should have had my phone protected.  That will be first on my list once I get home.

I feel so very sad.  Wow.  So much sadness.  Sadness that I left the loving arms of my Savior to seek out something so binding and dark. I was blindsided.  I was in a robotic trance as those few hours unfolded and seemed to have no control.  But that was my fault because I didn't take the necessary precautions to stay safe from the enticement of the Devil.  For that, I am very very sad.

But...

Good news: I don't feel shame.  This is a new experience for me; slipping and not feeling shame.
I credit it to the relationship I have with my Savior.
I still know that He loves me.
I still know that I am of worth.
I still know He values me.
I still know I can and will be an instrument for Him.
I know that this slip does not define me
...and
that makes it easier to get up.

I blogged about my last slip a while ago... and how I learned to get up after.  That lesson was a hard one.  I still felt so much shame even as the Lord showed me that I didn't have to feel it, that I could be free from it.  I still spent a good portion of time on the ground mourning the fallen hurdle.  I wasted time on feeling sorry for myself and listening to the taunts and jeers of the adversary and his followers.

Not this time...

I will not waste time this time.  I missed a hurdle.  I fell.  But I am already standing up and facing forward.  Knowing that the Lord still loves me is huge part of my ability to get up and keep working.

And I do have a sure knowledge that He truly does still love me...

He proved it last night.  As I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, the most intense wave of crave again fell over me.  Images from the previous night filled my mind and I began to justify them.
I decided to pray.  I prayed through silent tears for rescue and refuge.
I then felt a prompting:
 "Text your Bishop"
It was 9pm though and the likelihood of him still being awake was slim.
But, I followed the prompting anyway and text him:
"Are you still awake?"
He was...
"I need help"
He prayed for me and offered words of support and comfort.

That was an absolute miracle.  I felt the Spirit sink into the very core of my body and chase away the craving in my body.  I literally felt it leave me.

The miracle didn't end there though.  Just as I was thanking my Father for the Angels protecting me, the family dog, Chief, meandered in.  I heard his jingling collar and immediately recognized his presence.  You must know, he never comes into my room.  He's my mothers dog and hardly ever leaves her side.  I know he was sent to my room by my Father.  Chief is a huge bull-mastiff and even though it was an undertaking, I invited him up on the bed... and I cried.  I cried into his fur as I held onto him and hugged him.  Through my tears I thanked my Father in Heaven for sending him.  I know that Chief would protect me against physical danger without any question but in that moment he was protecting me against spiritual danger.  

After a time I fell soundly asleep and woke safely to my 'day 2.'

That entire experience is proof that the Lord still loves me.  He is not ashamed of me.   He simply wants me to get back up and keep moving.

And that... I will do... because the prize is far too great to lay sedimentary in stagnant pride.

I want an Eternal life of sanctuary and happiness.

15 comments:

  1. Love you Sidreis! I'm so grateful to have someone like you to look up to. You are an example to me that even if you slip up, you can get right back up on your feet again and continue forward.

    Lots of Love ♥

    Your Favorite Niece,
    Courtney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Courtney! I appreciate your love and support:-) You are awesome!

      Delete
  2. Thank you for your honesty. I love you and appreciate your courage to share your recovery journey.
    Vickerama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lady... appreciate your support so much!

      Delete
  3. Dear friend Sidreis,

    wow, my mind is all over the place now. I always thought that the slips can be long gone by the time someone reaches that much of sobriety. But it is life and everything can happen. Thank you for sharing it. This morning it is a good reminder for me. I live in pride and self-control, often forgetting about God. Your testimony is a great proof of His love and help. I need to focus on that in my journey. Thank you. I love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ya I'm still human... and still susceptible... and I will be as long as I have this body, I think. I love you too!

      Delete
  4. Holy schmoley--you are one courageous and resilient woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It wasn't hard to be honest about this... I've been out in the open for so long that it's more the norm now than hiding :-)

      Delete
  5. You found a hiding skittle (internet access on your phone, something an addict in recovery should be completely certain they won't abuse if they have it) & nuked it! AWESOME!!! :-D
    Love you- Maritta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've decided that I'll never be completely certain... because I felt that I was completely certain... and I crashed.. so it's just easier to assume I'll never be completely safe... and it's safer that way anyway!

      Delete
  6. Sid,
    I love you and pray for you. Thank you for your courage and honesty! Moving forward! ~Stacey

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so proud of how you have gotten up from this and immediately started moving forward. I am slowly learning that recovery will never mean perfection. It just means always getting up when we fall.

    I love you.

    Tim

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"