Monday, April 1, 2013

Journal: Stress > User Dreams

Well I made it to Montana safe and sound.  Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know it was no easy trek getting here.  I think I made six puke stops along the way.  It was insane!  My poor kids.  They get it from me.  I think I will do things different on the way home so they don't suffer as much.

On Saturday we had a huge family gathering.  I was able to see my brother Tom for the first time in about 10 years.  I admit, I was a bit nervous.  There is a huge age difference between the two of us and we live completely different lifestyles so I was nervous we wouldn't have much in common.  But I was happy to find out we do!  We listen to a lot of the same music and actually have similar senses of humor.  At one point I felt this wave of "I really want to be his friend" wash over me... and so I told him: "You're pretty cool Tom, I think think we should be friends" in which he responded "Yeah, we should."  It felt good!

Sunday was a huge gathering as well... and as much as I love my family, the amount of people started to wear on me.  I don't do well in large crowds and as my stress level rose my desire to hide increased as well. I fought it, but not without being OCD when it came to glancing at the clock.

Finally it was time to settle down a bit. As the peace settled in I began to trigger.  The stress and anxiety was a bit overwhelming and my brain was reminding me of the quick fix for it.  I ignored it though and decided to just watch one of my favorite shows on my laptop in bed and then crash.  I fell asleep safe.

I can't say I woke up safe though.  I had one of the hardest most vivid and most personal user dreams I think I have ever had.  I woke up triggering like crazy and dripping in dopamine.  I felt sick to my stomach and depressed.  I text my sponsor and told her, and also my Bishop.  I cleaned the house and took a shower and got outside with the kids.  It took a while but eventually I forgot the dream.

I'm tired now and still triggering.  It's been a long day.  But I'm off to bed again... and I'll arise tomorrow morning, 936 days sober.

3 comments:

  1. Sounds stressful! I'm proud to know you, and that's awesome about connecting with your brother. Good job today.

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  2. I long to be able to say I have that much sobriety. But I will. Sorry about the crappy user dream.

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  3. I'm sorry, but 936 days sober is quite cool!

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"