Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Let's Talk About Suicidal Thoughts

I don't really know what I'm going to say here...

I do need to clarify that I am for sure not speaking for the majority of women addicts, or even any other woman addict.  I'm only speaking from my own experience on this one.  But I want to talk about it.  I want to put it out there.  This is a topic I shy away from because I'm ashamed of these thoughts when they come, and it also freaks people out when I talk about them so I tend to isolate in them, and we all know where isolation leads.

My suicidal thoughts have evolved over time... which sounds weird to say, but they have.

Prior to recovery I would have them as a means of total escape; to escape pain.  I just wanted the pain to end.  But there was no good in it.  I didn't just want the pain to end, and continue to exist, but instead *I* wanted to stop existing.  I wanted my spirit exterminated.  I wished I'd never been created.  That's how bad it was.

I no longer think that way, and really, I can't imagine myself ever thinking that way again, thank goodness.

Progress...

Once I started recovery I stopped with the doom and gloom suicidal thinking, but I still have lingering thoughts.  They don't come too often and mostly show up when things get low... like these last few days/weeks.

The difference is, I'm not wanting to die because I no longer want to exist.  I simply want to die to go home.  I want to be done with this earthly existence.  It's cathartic for me to think of myself in Heaven, dwelling with Angels and such.  It's an escape mechanism for me; a coping mechanism.

Of course, if I actually did go as far as succeeding at suicide, I know that I would not find peace and rest and would not dwell with Angels.  No, there would be heavy consequences to that choice.

This is important for me to talk about though.  Because remaining isolated in those thoughts, when they come, have the real potential to turn dangerous for me.  I need a place where I can talk freely and openly about those thoughts without people freaking out and worrying I'm going to go and off myself.

I'm not even close to that place.

The prayer I wrote yesterday to God was heard though and answered.  He answered it so beautifully that I know it was specifically for me.  This was so poignant that there is no way it was coincidence or an accident.  It was an absolute miracle and I recognize it as such.

I opened my scriptures last night and turned straight to the following verses:

Philippians 1:20-25
20 According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.
21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
22 But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.
23 For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:
24 Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you (me).
25 And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your (my) furtherance and joy of faith;
I find so much validation and comfort in this passage of scripture.  Paul had thoughts of wanting to go home too, but he recognized that as much as he wanted to go home, that the Lord needed him here on this earth, and he was willing to hold out for the greater reward.  

So as I continue my journey I plan to be more open about my thoughts of wanting to go home, I will air them to the light and be open and vulnerable with them.  But please know that I'm not in any danger and I'm not at risk, but rather it's just me being honest about wanting to go home.

***Update***

I love the Lord....

He shed more light on this subject for me as I was doing dishes tonight after dinner.  

The question came to mind "when I get low, why do I want to go home?" and the Lord answered...
Because when you are happy, it's because you are close to the Savior, and 'home' is with you, all around you, all the time, as long as you let it.  The Savior is your home and when you lose sight of Him you long for Him, and you miss Him and yearn for Him and you want to come home to see Him.  But please know and remember, you don't have to come home to be near Him and to feel peace.  Study Him.  Study His life and His teachings and that peace will return.  You will know Him once more and be happy again.
He's right.  As those words sunk into me I knew He was right.  So that is going to be my focus.  To study the Savior.  I'll read His words in the scriptures and Conference talks.  I'm also going to finish The Infinite Atonement.

God is good!

12 comments:

  1. I actually really appreciate that you brought this issue front and center.

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  2. Talk, talk, talk about it, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. If they don't know what to say or how to react, suggest pamphlets or literature or just tell them what is okay. As for wanting to go Home, that reminds me of a little guy I used to take care of. He was six when his grandma died. I was explaining to him about heaven and I guess I explained a little too well because he wanted to go there, then. I told him it was our reward for living a good life and doing the right things. And it is. You will go home after your good long life is done.

    I also believe that we all have our little light shining inside of us, and that there are demons, if you will, trying to block the light by shielding it with their "bodies". Consequently, they surround us. The brighter a person's light, the more demons are attracted to it to try to drown it out. Maybe that's what they mean when they talk about casting off demons, I don't know for sure. There is a great man named Gary Spivey that I first heard this theory from and it rang true to me. I can see/feel it in people in a way and seriously, the dark forces or what have you definitely flock to the best people. Don't let them drown out your light. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself every day that you are doing a great job and it is progress, not perfection. If we were perfect we would have nothing left to work for. Keep your head up and your mind straight. Immerse in your fellowships.

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    1. I friggin love you Lynn... you are so wise! Thank you for these words. They mean the world to me!

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  3. I saw myself a lot when I read your words. I have been to the place where I wanted to cease existing and that was a place I hope to never come close to again. I am in awe at your faith and your willingness to share topics that are difficult, but necessary to discuss.

    I LOVE that you turned to the scripture passage that you did. Talking about HOPE tonight at PASG, I can see how Heavenly Father just sends us SO many messages, to give us hope, that tell us, "Hey. I know you are going through a tough time. I know your thoughts better than you do. I'm here and I'm talking to you!" He is a wise and merciful God.

    Thanks for this Sidreis :)

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    1. Right? I will always love that Scripture now. God is so good to us!

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  4. OH MY GOSH thank you. My mind has been there lately again too. Lot today. But I don't ever talk about it... reading this helps me feel like I maybe can.

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    1. Ya I don't think many people do talk about it... sad. I'm glad I brought it up!

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  5. I think so many people feel this way too. I am the same way and rarely say anything because like you said you are not necessarily at risk but people want to take it that way and "save" you. I appreciate all you have had to say about this. Thank you for giving it a voice.

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    1. Ya right! You can see the panic in their countenance... which makes me shy away. "Oh, sorry for sounding as psycho as I feel" lol

      You're welcome! haha

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    2. Yeah, I'm afraid of that too!!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on wanting to go home. I feel like that every minute of every single day. It is not just about the addiction, but also some very deep issues in my life. No one wants to talk about it and figure if I have a smile on my face then all is well. I have pleaded with God to take me home so I don't have to do it myself. But He keeps me here for some reason. Thank you for for being courageous enough to bring this topic up. It needs to be addressed so that others know they are not alone.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"