Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Same Sex Attraction: It Just Is

There is a common branch among women who struggle with sexual addiction.  It's a branch that most of us would rather have sawed off and burnt to a crisp - or at least I would.  It's a shameful branch... one that I would rather have the world never see or know about.  I remember first reading about it from Jessica, here, and being absolutely blown away at her courage to be so open and honest about it.

Yet, still I hid, in the safety of isolated shadows.

But no more.  I'm shedding shame... faster and faster it seems.  I have concluded that all the energy in the world spent trying to figure out the why/how/what of this specific struggle only produces the same result... which is the knowledge that my struggle just is.


It's just a fact.  I struggle with same sex attraction.

My struggle does not mean I am a lesbian.  I'm not a lesbian, nor am I bi-sexual.  I have no desire to date or have a relationship with another woman.

My struggle simply stems from viewing massive amounts of pornography.  My brain has been overloaded with sexual images... of men and women.  It stems to reason that the human body, whether male or female, would trigger me.  It just does.

It just is.

It's just a result of choices I have made in the past.  With each passing moment that I nurtured my addiction tree and strengthened its roots, new branches were forming and growing above.

Attraction to women is simply one of those branches.

I treat this struggle the exact same as all the other branches of my addiction.  I turn it over to the Lord, I don't focus on it, or feed it, and I don't shame myself into a cesspool of worthlessness because of it.

No...

I just love myself.  And I don't love myself in-spite of it, I love myself with it.  It is a part of me.  I accept it.

It just is.

I just am.

22 comments:

  1. Thanks Sidreis :) proud of you. This post was very helpful for me.

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  2. Sidreis, you are so amazing, and I love reading your blog. I love your insight on topics as well as your overall wisdom. You really teach me a lot and everytime I read from your blog, it inspires me to look deeper into myself to better myself and turn to the Lord more fully. Thank you so much for your faith, courage, and example! May God continually bless you!

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    1. Thanks Mitchell... I appreciate your words! You keep up the good fight... you are a valiant warrior in God's army and He has big plans for you:-)

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    2. Thank you! It really means a lot! Though I don't know you personally, I love you and am so thankful to have found you and your blog

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  3. This makes so much sense. I love your honesty and your willingness to rid yourself of shame... inspiring!!

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    1. Thanks Alicia... I appreciate that... and you're right, it does make sense... haha.. so crazy thought that even though it makes sense, just like developing feelings for my Bishop.. there is still so much shame surrounding it. I don't like it though, the shame, I'm done with it.

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  4. I've always separated attraction to women's bodies and attraction to women. I don't know if that's wrong or right or neither. I believe the female body to be far more aesthetically pleasing than the male body, and I've always thought so I think. But I've never considered myself attracted to women! I think I sound like a crazy person. I find the female body attractive so I guess I'm attracted to women?

    Anyway, like you, I know I'm not a lesbian. I'm grateful for that. I'm not attracted to women in a way that makes me want to date them or be with them other than in a friendship capacity. I know some righteous women really struggle with that and God bless them! Thanks for posting this- it's really got me thinking.

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    1. That's actually a good differentiation (is that a word?)... because my attraction lies with the body... not with the whole woman. I also think there is a sexual element to it too... you'd have to ask, are you sexually attracted to women? Or is it just you think a woman's body is nicer to look at? All rhetorical questions. For me, it's purely sexual attraction.

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    2. Yes, thanks Stephanie, some women do struggle with that emotional yearning to be with women, and not men, not having just to do with the bodies. Who are still righteous and good. That, too, is not wrong. Like you said Sidreis, it's about what we choose to do with it. ~girl of the dust

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  5. Because sometimes "it is what it is". There are a lot of reasons, a lot, why people think and behave the way they do. There are some things in life that I can't change, like previous experiences which shifted everything for me & changed my worldview forever. There is always hope for recovery & rediscovery. I don't know how much I'll work through in this life (and I've made huge progress), I can say that I will do the best I can at it. And that is good enough. Overcoming, persistence, perseverance, and transcendence have all become great strengths because of the experiences in my life. While I would not wish to hit the repeat button on any of it, I wouldn't trade the valuable insights I've gained because of it.

    There are so many factors which could contribute to self-perception: beliefs about men & women (especially male & female chauvinism), who has the "power", whether your parents really wanted a kid with your gender, how you were treated as a young child, what gender roles looked like in your family & if you agreed with how things were done, many kinds of abuse, various forms of addiction, peer influences (including being made fun of), natural energy types which may lend itself more stereotypical to the "opposite" gender, cultural expectations & pressures, etc. This is especially true at younger ages & it has lasting effects.

    You won't see me living 95% of what I was "taught" to do at an early age in some less than lovely experiences. I'm not passing that on! Though I do struggle at times, I know that I am not alone & that we are all human. I love what Sidreis has to say & your courage to share it so openly. God bless us all in our endeavor to be our best selves.

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  6. Love you for this Sidreis. Sara xxx

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  7. You're onto something, Sidreis. I especially like what Jessica said about mirroring women in porn. It's so true! So thank you for your honesty. God still loves us all!

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    1. Ya Jessica has a lot of great insight on her blog. She is a pioneer as well!

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  8. I have to agree with Stephanie's comment, too.

    And I like how you say this: I have concluded that all the energy in the world spent trying to figure out the why/how/what of this specific struggle only produces the same result... which is the knowledge that my struggle just is.

    I've heard you say that before. Sometimes I need to stop breaking things down, and just move forward.

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    1. Focusing on the why and how is insanity. I mean, there are some things where it would benefit us to spend some time figuring things out... but really, for the most time.. it keeps us utterly and completely stuck. And that, is right where Satan wants us.

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  9. Stop beating yourselves, sisters! Lots and lots of women who view(ed) pornography looked at pix of women, but were never lesbians nor anything close to it. Let me explain the mystery: the female form IS the most aesthetically pleasing form in the universe. It was meant to be that way, not only by God, but by the self existent laws of the universe. Yes, there is a self-existent most beautiful shape in the universe, and that is the female form. That's why you look at it, admire it, are fascinated by it, and are even drawn to it, all without being the slightest bit lesbian. So stop worrying!

    And this will be a large and necessary part of your eternal happiness in the next life, where you will all be physically flawless, in face and form, and in complexion (color and radiance). And, with rare but important exceptions, you will all look different, with different but perfect shapes, facial features, hair color, eye color, height, voices, and so forth. Perfection has so many faces, an infinite number, that are perfect. You will all be the perfect version of whatever you are. And none will be more perfect than another, because perfection cannot be exceeded, and each of you will have it, physically, spiritually, and otherwise.

    Indeed, much of the happiness in the celestial kingdom is due precisely to individual differences, and the intricate interweaving of the social structures according to those individual characteristics. Don't believe it? Read Revelations where the choir of high priests will be the only ones who will be able to sing a particular song. Individual differences! We will have them in our bodies and in our psyches, and we will exult in them and admire each other for them, and our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and the Holy Spirit will put them to best use.

    As for you sisters, your beauty will be astonishing to all who see you. To ALL who see you, including your exalted brothers, every time they see you, and that astonishment will never cease nor wane. Never. In fact, your spirits already are that beautiful, it's just that you have mortal bodies now which will be replaced in the next life by perfect bodies that conform to the features, form, and radiance of your spirit bodies, which are perfect. You will be very mobile and you will smile a lot in that life, knowing just how arresting your beauty is to all who see you.

    On a personal note, let me say that reading Sidreis's posts and the interviews with others over the past few days have given me (a brother in the Gospel) so much strength that I feel like a changed man. I feel such strength and hope now and I feel my addiction receding greatly. I am beginning to feel like those who listened to King Benjamin's speech and who had lost the disposition to do evil, and had only the disposition to do good continually (Mosiah 5:2, I think). Thank you sisters for your courage and sharing. Maybe someday when I am in recovery I will have the same courage and can help others with their struggles. -- Daniel

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    1. Daniel -

      Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your candor.

      I feel though, that our understandings of perfection in the next life are a bit different from one another. My understanding is that perfection means 'perfectly free from sin'... with that, I will be perfectly free from judging myself or others and so I will only see them, and myself, as perfect.

      I don't feel that means my body will have "perfect shapes, facial features.." etc... according to our worldly standards... but perfection in accepting me for who I am in the body I have. I do feel that I will be healthier, and more radiant as you put it. But I don't expect my body to fit into some molded idea of perfection that I have for myself on this earth.

      I'm not sure if we are on the same page with that... based on your comment.

      I also don't feel that the female form is THE most aesthetically pleasing form in the universe. To believe such is bordering on obsession. Personally I think sunsets, or my son sleeping, or gardens are much more beautiful. Those are the things that bring me the most joy and happiness and are more pleasing because they remind me of the love my Father in Heaven has for me. He gave me sunsets to end the day with... beauty just as night falls into darkness to help me remember that the sun will rise again tomorrow, my own child sleeping as a reminder of the peace that eternal families can bring and flowers... to sprinkle the earth with beauty where briers otherwise grow.

      I'm glad the blogs have brought you strength. I encourage you to work your own program. If you want to get better, you will work. Otherwise your words will just remain that, words.

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    2. *BAM* THEME OF SIDREIS' LIFE: "If you want to get better, you will work." Woman, you amaze me!

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"