Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dear Bishop: Will Heavenly Father Forgive Me?

Dear Bishop,

Right now, this moment I am anxious to meet with you. I have spiraled out of control and when I think of being in your office it feels safe to me. And that's what I need: a safe place to share, process, be encouraged, feel compassion and hopefully feel the spirit. 

I messed up again. I know I'm bound to slips and am not expecting perfection of myself, but some slips are greater than others. My slip has shaken me to my core. For the first time in my life I have actually began to believe I've done too much. Will Heavenly Father forgive me? Sure, I think so. But I believe now I've forfeited my right as an heir to the Celestial Kingdom. I don't know if that is true or not, but I know it's not healthy (or helpful) to keep my mind fixated on that thought.

I feel a lot of shame. Thankfully through the small web of support I have now I have been reassured that my worth remains unchanged despite all of this. I don't quite understand that but that is a thought I will keep my mind fixated on.

Bishop, my relapse has seemed to make me weak to my knees, but my pride refuses to let me fall onto them. My soul and body are in conflict with one another. I can't think straight. It's as if I'm looking through fog. This fog is so thick & disorienting that it seems every other hour I forget why I even need to meet with you. But then something or someone shakes me back to the reality of my situation so then I anxiously await our appointment again.

I don't feel like I'm in a centered enough place to tell you what I need, so please seek inspiration on my behalf. Help me feel the spirit. Please help me remain connected to helpful resources and good people. 

I know I need my Savior. But I don't know what that means. He seems so out of touch for me. The Atonement seems so flat and unattainable. It seems like an abstract idea. I can't grasp it!

I have a lot of fear. But I also have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that Jesus Christ walked the Earth. I believe in His existence even after death. I believe that Joseph Smith restored this church through the guidance of our Lord. And I really do believe a whole lot more. It's because of this testimony that I'm pushing past the fear and do what I know is right. But don't underestimate the power of this addiction. I fall back into fear and shame far too regularly. 

I feel like a good person locked inside a flawed body. I feel unworthy of love. I really do. If you disagree with me about that, please tell me. I probably won't believe you at first, but I need to hear it. Thank you for your service, Bishop. I'll pray for you and hope you'll do the same for me.

A Beautiful Daughter of God

A contributed post in response to A Call For Input: Dear Bishop Letters.

3 comments:

  1. This is such a beautiful but sad read - something most of us identify with!! I am so grateful for good Bishops

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Beautiful Daughter of God,

    I am not your bishop and I know I cannot fill his shoes or speak for him. But, for what it's worth, I would like to tell you that you ARE worthy of love. Additionally, you are loved.

    I love you. I don't know you well but I love you. I know you are a good person, as you said. I know that if you continue in making good choices, the humility you desperately seek WILL come. Give it time. Be patient with yourself and with the process, but never stop moving! Keep moving forward, and all you seek will be yours IN TIME.

    We are commanded to forgive everyone. That "everyone" does not magically exclude ourselves. Treat yourself as you would another woman in this exact situation. Would you not love her? Would you not see her with an eye of compassion?

    You are not alone, and that cliche is multi-dimensional. You are not alone in your mistakes. Others have made them. Others make like ones. Others make mistakes. Everyone does. Also, you are not ALONE. God is with you always, even now in this very moment.

    Onward, beautiful sister!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"