Tuesday, October 8, 2013

A Bucket List Wish

What a wonderful opportunity to hear from our God ordained leaders this past weekend.  I love how much more comfortable I am listening to the General Conference messages now.  It used to be that I could hardly stomach listening to what I perceived as 'accusations.'  

You aren't enough
You aren't doing this right
You are going to hell

I'm sure I had help with those thoughts.

I'm different now, though.  Now, I rejoice in the words being taught!

As I settled down in front of the television to listen and soak up inspiration this past weekend, I was blessed with the usual instruction on faith, obedience, tithing and repentance.  But I was most struck by principles taught by Richard G. Scott.  He took the time to express the distinct, yet often confused, difference between weakness and rebellion.  

I have my own thoughts to share on his topic, and will at a later time.  For now, though, I want to share a personal memory I have of Elder Scott.

Elder Scott is one of my favorite Apostles.  I met him once, a long time ago.  He was visiting my stake center to preside over a conference.  I sat behind him, positioned in the alto section of the choir.  His presence was so relaxed.  He was warm and welcoming, and even allowed questions and feedback from the audience.  

He asked something at one point, and I remember having a thought; a comment.  I was too scared to raise my hand, however.  I was in the choir loft where everyone could see me.  The last thing I wanted to do was bring unwanted attention to myself.  

I remained still and silent.

I did, however, have the strong desire to meet him; to shake his hand. As unworthy as I felt, I knew I was in the presence of an ordained Apostle and I didn't want to miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.

After the conference, I stood in line behind the plethora of people that flocked to shake his hand.  I felt insignificant.  But, I also hoped that by shaking his hand I might find hope and strength.  That the small touch of his handshake might instill in me renewed commitment and determination.

My turn soon approached and he gently took my hand and smiled at me.  I stumbled over my words as I blurted out: 
"I had a comment during your talk but I was behind you so I didn't raise my hand."  
He paused and said something completely unexpected: 
"Oh, well, I'd love to hear it now."  
He waited expectantly as I stood there and blinked.  

What!?
Blink
He wants to hear what I have to say?
Blink
Uhhhhhh
Blink

I eventually formed some words.  I couldn't tell you what I said, or even what it was about.  But I remember what I felt like it was yesterday.  

Fear
Shame
Worthlessness  

I was sure he thought I was stupid.  

I also felt like he could see right through me; that he knew of my deep struggle with sexual addiction.  He is a seer and revelator, after all. 

I felt such acute conflict.  I wanted to desperately to be in his presence, to stay with him, to connect with him, to bask in his goodness and be protected by his mantle.  Yet at the same time I felt such intense self hatred.  I felt the almost tangible transformation of good feelings turn vile and nasty.

I still remember that day; cherish that day and regret that day all at the same time.

One of my greatest wishes is to re-write that memory.  I feel the opportunity slipping away. As the church continues to expand the Apostles are becoming busier and the chance of my path once again crossing with Elder Scott's continues to decrease.

I have this desire to tell him I'm different.  That I'm better.  Who knows, maybe it will happen.  I do know that if it doesn't happen on this earth, I will have the opportunity to express my feelings to him in the next.  

I anxiously await the day.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this - Elder Scott has always been one of the apostles I have loved to hear. As I listened to his talk on Sunday the spirit I felt was so strong, he answered my prayers and deepest yearnings for guidance and answers. I could feel his gaze into my heart and soul. A wonderful man and a huge blessing to my life.

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  2. I can't wait to hear it again. I didn't hear all of it, but I know it will be a good one.
    It was a great conference.
    And you could tell Elder Scott. Write him. :) I'm sure he'd love a happy letter.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"