Saturday, May 24, 2014

Journal: A Smörgåsbord of Catch-Up

I'm sure many of you have noticed I haven't blogged in a while. Well, to clarify, I've published blog posts, but they have mostly been guest posts, graciously contributed by others.

Dear Others: I officially thank you for saving my bacon.

So . . . more than a few updates on things....

The 'Incident'
Many of you probably don't know this, but I had an 'incident' a while back where a (hopefully former) Facebook 'friend' of mine completely threw me (my blog) under the bus on an ex/anti-mormon site. I caught wind of it because enough people from that site clicked on my blog link that it began to show up in my traffic feed stats. Anyway, I dealt with it on Facebook, and am just hopeful the person un-friended me as I requested. The point of this is, I think that as much as I didn't want what happened to spiral me into fear, it still did on some level, and as a result--I went quiet here on the blog. But the quiet has been screaming at me lately, and therefore I am making a very concerted and conscious effort to get back to writing.

I miss it.

I miss it because it helps me in my own recovery and I'm struggling a bit with that right now.


A Promotion
So my husband has been working hard over the last six months toward a promotion that he finally landed, and we are all very excited about it!

In a nutshell, our family will be moving to Price, Utah in August to start a new chapter in our lives. We took a family road-trip out there a few Sundays ago, just to check it out, and we loved it. Total sleepy town, but with all the amenities that we need. Also, it's far enough away that it will be a new adventure for us, but close enough to family that we still have a security blanket. Not that we need a security blanket, but it's nice to have one nonetheless.


In the Meantime
We've given notice at our current place and will be moving out June 14th. On June 16th, my boys and I will head up to Montana for a number of weeks to spend time with my family, and also bankroll some funds. Hubs will remain in Utah and focus on his job training.

I'm really excited to spend time with my family, but I'm also concerned. I just barely hit my year sobriety mark, and where did I last act out? Up in Montana. That trip was supposed to be relaxing.

It wasn't. 

Not that my family is stressful per-say... it was more just trying to fit everything in, and a round trip--13 hours each way--in the car with three kids = stressful. So this time, I'm just leary. And, I'll be bishopless for the time I'm up there because I won't really have a permanent residence anywhere yet...

One might suggest I just keep my records in my current ward...

But ...


Then There's the New Bishop
Oh ya, that. I don't think I have blogged about it. A new bishop was called. And he replaced my bishop, my hero, who had seen me through my entire recovery thus far.

At first I was good with it. It was time. He'd been in five years, and really, he was supposed to be released at the three year mark because he doesn't live in our ward's boundaries. I was grateful I had him for that extended period of time. So, like I said, I was good at first. Then I had a meltdown, and then I was good, and then another meltdown... and so went the cycle. I felt Satan creeping in like the slimy creeper he is.

Lying liar, lying out of his liar lying pie-hole on his liar face.

Telling me to stay away from the new bishop, that he's scary and mean, and basically anything to keep me separate. Fortunately, his lies are familiar to me and so I disregarded them and finally mustered up the courage to make and appointment with the new guy.

I like him. As bishops go. He's a nice guy. But...

And I communicated with him for a while.  And then I just stopped. And the sponsor in me is screaming at me how dangerous that is... but but... ugh. I can't rationalize and justify and schmooze myself anymore... recovery kills that. 

It's just hard starting over... and knowing that I'm going to start over again in Price makes me even less inclined to connect with this bishop.


The Temple Thing
And then this thing came up with the Temple, and I've really had a hard time with it. Maybe some of you can help me work through this one.

I've really relied on the Temple throughout my recovery. It's been my sanctuary from darkness and evil; a place where I can go to escape the temptations and whisperings of said lying liar face. I've spent my entire recovery believing that evil spirits can't enter there; that it's the one place on this earth where I can go to be safe from that.

But then someone recently pointed out to me that evil people can enter the Temple; whether to deceive or blatantly persecute... and they can bring unwelcome entities with them. Hearing that somehow made me feel unsafe all of a sudden. That there is no place on this earth that I can escape the evil reach of the adversary.

I mean, there have been many times that I, myself, have triggered while in the Temple. I thought for so long that there was nothing influencing me there, that it was just a biological response, or 'idle' time from sitting too long. But after hearing that people can bring in evil spirits, I can't help wonder if I, myself, have invited them into the Temple. I can barely stomach the possibility. Like, it scares me. Literally.

Bah! And I feel so yucky for even questioning this, because of the sanctuary the Temple has given me and all that the Lord has given me... but this is a real worry for me right now. I've even toyed with the thought of visiting with a member of the Temple Presidency in an effort gain some clarity and access some peace about it.


And of Course, the Cravings
... are off the freaking charts right now. And, I've had user dreams the past two nights. Basically, I'm under attack and completely tempted to isolate. Probably because of all the amazing things happening in my life right now. . .

In fact, I'm sure of it.

7 comments:

  1. Sidreis, you're not alone! Stick to what works---the Atonement. You can't do this alone. None of us can. In fact, none of us were meant to. Keep the openness a'flowin'!

    May I offer my testimony? God loves you, Sidreis. He'll never abandon or forsake you. You have the support and prayers of hundreds if not thousands of His children. You've given me hope when I had none. His grace is sufficient! Hold on to Him until the darkness has passed. It will pass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I learned something today and immediately thought of you.

      The teacher compared the temple to an embassy. As you may already know, according to common international agreement, the soil of a given embassy is actual soil of that country. So, a Canadian embassy in Brazil is actually Canadian soil.

      Similarly, a temple is dedicated as an embassy of heaven, so to speak. In this telestial, fallen world, we have small pieces of land dotting the earth that are actual Houses of the Lord. They are built on holy soil.

      The temples are safe. I know it in my heart by the power of the Holy Spirit. Imperfect people may enter, but evil spirits cannot.

      Delete
  2. I use to wonder about the temple and my thoughts and what was happening in my mind as well, but I've never considered other spirits coming in. Nor have I considered that I could bring them in. Hm, what an understandable concern and question!! I would love to hear what you learn as you move forward with that. Because I know you will.

    Here is what I know. I know that my obedience to commandments and keeping covenants promises protection and blessings. Including protection from evil spirits. I think I do believe that evil spirits can follow and come with evil people into the temple. But. I don't believe that those spirits can affect anyone else, who is there with honest righteous intentions. Attending the temple is a commandment. Keeping that commandment instills our right to protection. I believe that if we are entering the temple worthily, we will not be inviting evil spirits into the temple.

    About being triggered in the temple and worrying we're bringing in spirits... Here are my thoughts. Thoughts and images which enter our mind aren't our fault. They're just thoughts. It's what we do with them that matters. We're still human and have bodies which react like bodies do. Brains are brains. God knows that. He expects that! The temple is a magical place where we don't get sick and barf, have panic attacks, feel angry, spend the entire session mulling over a bitter conversation the day before, or wish someone were dead. It's a place of learning, symbolism, and instruction from the spirit to us. What symbolism could we pull out of this? The fact that God allows really really imperfect people to enter His house. Hmmm.

    Thanks for giving me so much to think about!

    I love you.

    And. Let's talk about the fact that you're moving and I don't want to talk about it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *ISN'T a magical place

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    2. *by "really really imperfect people" I'm referring to those who are worthy. So. Us.

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  3. It's so fun to have an update lady! So proud of Tim and excited for the promotion and your move. I seriously hope it is a fruitful move and that you all enjoy this new chapter. I'm grateful for your comments about your bishop because they really helped me to define better why I want to meet with my bishop and that even though I think about how burdensome I am to him and should cancel our appts, it was reassuring and encouraging to be reminded that it's so important. Boo for user dreams and cravings. I think your insights are spot on here. There's a lot of good happening and I'm sure Satan is very upset about that. Way to be on top of that. And, as you know, Satan will use your last slip, and the familiarity of the situation to tempt you. As always, I appreciate your honesty in sharing and I'm so happy to see you blogging again. I've missed it :)

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  4. YAY for being back! Yay for love for you! YAY for new experiences.
    Boo to whoever said that about the temple. Seriously? Why would someone say something like that? Grrr. Seems to me like someone is trying to keep you out of the temple.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"