At first, the thought of surrendering was wonderful to me. I was fully ready to give up my addiction because it was making me completely miserable, and I didn't want any part of it. However, what I've come to realize is that everything really means everything. And that scared me to death because I realized that I have more than one addiction to give up.
I am completely, hopelessly, and pathetically emotionally dependent.
Of course I want to give up sexual addiction, because it makes me feel disgusting. But how do I become wiling to give up someone who makes me happy? Someone who makes me feel like I'm worth something? Someone I can't imagine surrendering without first being assured that it won't be forever? But surrendering doesn't work on those terms, on my terms. To me, having to surrender her is like admitting that I'm not capable of being that close to a girl; that I can't have that kind of friendship.
So now what?
I can never be friends with girls?
I can't open up to girls?
. . . because there's certainly no way I would open up like that with a guy.
I've been able to open up to people before without it becoming ridiculous, so why her?
These thoughts went through my mind when I began to contemplate what it meant to fully surrender. And all of that left me in a puddle on the floor for days, and right back to all of my addictions.
That was my wake up call . . .
I realized that what I was doing wasn't healthy; thinking about her every second of every day, lying awake at night wishing I could feel her next to me, longing for the day when she will feel the same way about me. This is what's holding me back from recovery. I don't feel like I've reached the point where I can say I want to surrender her. But I do feel like I have taken a step towards wanting to want to, by finally going to see a counselor willingly, and with no expectations besides wanting to be healthy.
So the idea of surrendering has evolved in my mind...
Instead of focusing on what I'm surrendering, I'm working on focusing why I'm surrendering it...
To come closer to Heavenly Father
To get the peace back that I've been longing for
To not wake up everyday and feel like my heart is being torn in half.
I feel broken.
I feel alone.
I feel defeated.
I feel my attractions are condemning me to live a life totally free of any kind of normal, fulfilling friendship or relationship.
I don't know why I struggle so much with same gender attraction.
I don't know why I struggle so much with addiction to masturbation.
I don't know why I have or need those trials in my life or what I will learn from them.
But what I do know is that God is my loving Heavenly Father, Christ is my Savior, and "all things work together for good to them that love God." I know that the only way to be healed is through the Atonement. And now I know that to access that healing, I need to be willing to give up anything, and surrender everything, to follow Him.