Friday, October 3, 2014

And Still, He Holds Me Together

It's been a dark time. A heavy time.

I've been plagued with a rash of very heavy suicidal thoughts lately. They have escalated past my usual desire to simply escape, and moved into thoughts about how I'd actually do it. Someone close to me called it 'suicidal drive,' and the term felt familiar to me.

I'm scared.
I don't want to be here, thinking these things.

But, the loneliness I am feeling is so heavy.

I have worked to integrate into my new ward and community, but my efforts haven't really awarded any results. The one person I felt connected to moved last week, and it's been difficult to connect with my new bishop. Spending my time in primary while my youngest acclimates to his new environment hasn't helped, either.

I haven't touched this level of despair, I think, ever.
Because it's different this time.

There was a time when I would have welcomed the loneliness.
It would have given me reason to use.
It would have validated my desire to isolate.

But now, such thoughts and feelings rub up against everything I know and stand for.

Logically, I know that suicide is not the answer.
Logically, I know that ending my life would devastate those that love me.
Logically, I know that I would not earn a higher degree of glory if I take my own life.

However, although logic has a strong voice, the voice of my feelings screams much louder.

Logic manifests as a small thought in my brain, whereas my feelings affect me physically, psychologically and spiritually, and manifests as splashing waves of emotion.

I experience my feelings, but simply touch my thoughts.
Thoughts are fleeting and can come and go, but my feelings are rooted within me and swirl around me.

Logically I know that I will not be happy in the long run if I were to intentionally leave this life, but the desire to escape the pain of loneliness screams much louder than the logic telling me to stay.

Surprisingly, I'm not even tempted to act out. Acting out would just add the pain of telling my husband and confessing to my bishop, not to mention bearing the weight of the guilt and shame that would surely come.

Adding to the despair I already feel doesn't make sense when my feelings are begging me to escape it.

I just want to go home.

Even though I know that such a decision would forfeit maximum happiness in the long run, what I would inherit would be a much happier place than I'm at now.

I'd be home.
I'd be welcome.
I'd be connected.
I'd belong.

I just want to belong.

I'm holding on, even if barely.
The wind blows wildly on my branches.
My roots are stretched; threatening to snap.
And still, He holds me together.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm hurting for you. Hang in there, sweetie. You are so NEEDED on this earth. By your children, by your community (local, extended, and virtual), and by your friends who love you dearly. Like me. Do you have a therapist right now? Would you consider medication? The pain will not last forever, I promise. Love you.

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  2. Aw Sidreis, I love you! I'm sorry it's SO hard right now. Loneliness (and feeling like I don't belong) is one of my least favorite of all the hard emotions :-(

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  3. I'm horrible at offering the right words. But having felt this way more times than I care to remember, I am just so sorry you are experiencing this right now.

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  4. You're brave to admit when you're in such a dark place. Thank goodness for that logical knowledge. My therapist is always telling me to keep thinking positive (or whatever / insert word here) and that my emotions will follow. But even so, even with that knowledge it really is such a dark and kinda scary place to be. Know you're loved by many and prayed for.

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  5. You are loved by so, so many people--people you haven't even met in person--followers of your blog, people who have heard you speak or read your book, but who have never contacted you personally, lots of ladies whose lives you are going to touch next weekend! And you are loved by many, including me, who have only met you briefly, but love and respect you for the beautiful person you are! I'm not good with words either, but I wanted to comment to let you know you are loved...and you are right--He will never leave you!

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  6. My dear friend, if you haven't already, please consider the possibility that these feelings "may" be caused (in part) by a neurochemical and/or neuroendocrine imbalance and/or any medications you may be taking for other conditions. Quite frequently, with a change in a few things other than the obvious, "some" of these feelings can be reduced. Not to minimize in any way how and what you are feeling at this moment. I'm just offering the possibility that there may also be an organic cause to consider. Counseling with your local LDSFS might also help.

    Like surrendering the desire to act out -- surrendering one second, one minute at a time -- you might be able to surrender these thoughts, one second, one minute, one thought a time. You are a strong woman who has helped countless others with your example (me, included!) God will pull you through.

    In the meantime, this link might help in a weak moment: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm

    We love you and stand with you ... not behind you or in front ... "with" ... next to ... supporting you!

    Stay strong, good woman,
    Kristy

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  7. Moving is SO BLASTED HARD! I get you 1000%
    You have such a skill at recognizing your feelings, naming them and reaching out. I remember the first time I read about your desire to "go home" and I realized that that was exactly what I was seeking, too. Your words blessed me clarity.

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  8. Once, you told me something that I planted in my heart, which I will now repeat back to you:

    Rescue is nigh.

    Keep swimming. Keep holding on. Because you want to be ready when your rescue raft arrives; you want to see it so you can climb on. It's coming.

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  9. Aloha nui Loa!!!!
    Grace is God doing something for you that you can't do yourself.... I get you ...I found my source of Grace at your class yesterday... hang in there ...I need you I deserve your friend ship...I got on line and for some reason my iPad would not download your book...I will try again tomorrow!! Hugggggs and Love ...By the Light if Grace!!!!

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    1. Aloha....Sidreis .......I just wanted you to know that I really found the piece I was missing in your class on Saturday!!!!!!!! Peace Also !!!!
      and I so appreciate your ability to articulate your spiritual ity. I was the one in front thats said " Grace
      is what God willing does for us that we are not able to do for ourselves I also appreciate. your love and vulnerability that you brought to the conference.

      Thanks so much for your book....!!!!! technically I haven't been able to download it yet....Still working on it.

      Huggs and *Love .Mana from Heaven

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"