Sunday, January 21, 2018

Heartsoft

Gosh, it's been a long time. I honestly can't remember the last time I blogged. I mean, yes, I can look at the date of my last post and determine when I last blogged, but I just don't remember. It's been that long.

I disappeared for a time.

Not because I slipped. I can humbly report that I'm still sober, almost 5 years. That's crazy to me. No, deeper conflicts have been stirring within me over this past year. I've had to face and work through some deeply personal hurts.

I also took some time off from church and group. I even discontinued wearing my garments over the summer. I felt good about it at the time, and although that perspective has changed some, I still don't actually feel bad about.

Oddly, inactivity released me from a lot of shame I was feeling. But the one negative consequence I did face was a hardened heart. And when I say that, I mean it was like stone, even as the scriptures say. I couldn't feel. No anger, no tears, no joy. I just sort of felt dead inside.

But then some miracles happened, and my heart began to soften. I've been back at church for 2 weeks now and it feels good. I no longer feel separate. And I feel humble. I am beginning to feal again, I'm happier, I'm tearing up at things, and my countenance has lifted.

I'm heartsoft.

I'm back.

4 comments:

  1. Love this! I've dealt with my own hardening and now softening of heart when it comes to some Church related things, and while I'm grateful I walked the path I did (I feel like it made me more aware and empathetic to other people's points of views and experiences), I just genuinely feel much better 'softer' than I did 'hard' . . . although it's very much still a work in progress :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was exactly me a year ago and I came back to church in January of 2017. It has not been an easy year but my ward and especially my bishop have been amazing during my transition. I do not regret my time away because it made me softer than I had been before leaving. I am a completely different Mormon than I was four years ago and I love that about myself. Glad to have you back blogging and looking forward to hearing more about your journey. <3

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"