Gosh, it's been a long time. I honestly can't remember the last time I blogged. I mean, yes, I can look at the date of my last post and determine when I last blogged, but I just don't remember. It's been that long.
I disappeared for a time.
Not because I slipped. I can humbly report that I'm still sober, almost 5 years. That's crazy to me. No, deeper conflicts have been stirring within me over this past year. I've had to face and work through some deeply personal hurts.
I also took some time off from church and group. I even discontinued wearing my garments over the summer. I felt good about it at the time, and although that perspective has changed some, I still don't actually feel bad about.
Oddly, inactivity released me from a lot of shame I was feeling. But the one negative consequence I did face was a hardened heart. And when I say that, I mean it was like stone, even as the scriptures say. I couldn't feel. No anger, no tears, no joy. I just sort of felt dead inside.
But then some miracles happened, and my heart began to soften. I've been back at church for 2 weeks now and it feels good. I no longer feel separate. And I feel humble. I am beginning to feal again, I'm happier, I'm tearing up at things, and my countenance has lifted.
I love you!ReplyDelete
Love this! I've dealt with my own hardening and now softening of heart when it comes to some Church related things, and while I'm grateful I walked the path I did (I feel like it made me more aware and empathetic to other people's points of views and experiences), I just genuinely feel much better 'softer' than I did 'hard' . . . although it's very much still a work in progress :-)ReplyDelete
This was exactly me a year ago and I came back to church in January of 2017. It has not been an easy year but my ward and especially my bishop have been amazing during my transition. I do not regret my time away because it made me softer than I had been before leaving. I am a completely different Mormon than I was four years ago and I love that about myself. Glad to have you back blogging and looking forward to hearing more about your journey. <3ReplyDelete