Gosh, it's been a long time. I honestly can't remember the last time I blogged. I mean, yes, I can look at the date of my last post and determine when I last blogged, but I just don't remember. It's been that long.

I disappeared for a time.

Not because I slipped. I can humbly report that I'm still sober, almost 5 years. That's crazy to me. No, deeper conflicts have been stirring within me over this past year. I've had to face and work through some deeply personal hurts.

I also took some time off from church and group. I even discontinued wearing my garments over the summer. I felt good about it at the time, and although that perspective has changed some, I still don't actually feel bad about.

Oddly, inactivity released me from a lot of shame I was feeling. But the one negative consequence I did face was a hardened heart. And when I say that, I mean it was like stone, even as the scriptures say. I couldn't feel. No anger, no tears, no joy. I just sort of felt dead inside.

But then some miracles happened, and my heart began to soften. I've been back at church for 2 weeks now and it feels good. I no longer feel separate. And I feel humble. I am beginning to feal again, I'm happier, I'm tearing up at things, and my countenance has lifted.

I'm heartsoft.

I'm back.


  1. Love this! I've dealt with my own hardening and now softening of heart when it comes to some Church related things, and while I'm grateful I walked the path I did (I feel like it made me more aware and empathetic to other people's points of views and experiences), I just genuinely feel much better 'softer' than I did 'hard' . . . although it's very much still a work in progress :-)

  2. This was exactly me a year ago and I came back to church in January of 2017. It has not been an easy year but my ward and especially my bishop have been amazing during my transition. I do not regret my time away because it made me softer than I had been before leaving. I am a completely different Mormon than I was four years ago and I love that about myself. Glad to have you back blogging and looking forward to hearing more about your journey. <3


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