Monday, October 8, 2012

Riding the Waves of God's Gift of Hormones

Due to the constant bombardment of music, images and language that defile and mock my quest to sexual purity I sometimes struggle with keeping my thoughts clean.  But that's OK.  Over the past three years I have learned how to fight that battle.  I simply allow my Savior to fight it for me while I concentrate on becoming like Him.

However this morning I woke to a battle that I have no idea how to fight.  Sometimes it seems as if my own body is my enemy as unwelcome hormones slosh through it and threaten my peace of mind.  As soon as the fire of hormones are lit my mind seems to conjure up completely unwelcome and threatening feelings and images.  It can be unrelentingly maddening!

I am on a quest...
To find healthy, clean and moral sexuality. 
To find God ordained intimacy that invites the Spirit.  
To find a bridle to fit my passions. 
To love my body and appreciate the gift of desire given to me.
  Cheiko Okazaki counsels:
Sex is not the same as romance, and neither one is the same as love. It's wonderful if you can have all three gifts--sex, romance and love--wrapped up in one package and wearing.... white [clothing] in the Temple .... Don't feel guilt or shame for your sexual desires any more than you feel guilt or shame for feeling hungry and thirsty when you fast. God has given us our physical desires and needs.... [But] take all honorable means of concentrating your thoughts elsewhere. You wouldn't usually go sit in a restaurant when you're fasting. So don't torment yourself by indulging in imaginations that you have no lawful or moral means of satisfying. Instead, feast on what is permitted and encouraged: the scriptures, inspiring music, noble thoughts..."
I love this quote.  It gives me hope that one day I'll be able to cross the threshold into appreciating my own sexuality.  But until then I'm left stuck wondering 'how' I'm ever going to get to that point.

This morning as I pleaded with the Lord to help me "ride this wave of hormones" I pictured myself sitting atop a surf-board on a vast ocean.  I imagined myself preparing to counter a huge incoming wave that seemed impossible to survive.  If I fell off the surf-board I'd be swallowed up and consumed by the wave.  I may even be destroyed.  But I somehow knew that if I stayed securely on top of the surf-board that I would be guided to safety. 

My mind then turned to Peter.  I imagined Peter trusting the Lord as the Lord invited him to step out on the water and walk to Him:

Matthew 14:29
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
Peter loved and trusted the Lord.  As long as he focused on that love and faith in the Savior he was sustained above the turbulance of the sea.  It was only when Peter began to doubt that he began to sink.  I relate this to my struggle with my own body.  If I trust the Lord as Peter did, the Lord will also keep me afloat as I ride the waves of my own hormones.  He will sustain me.  He will keep my mind clear of clutter and envelop me in peace.

I will not be perfect at this of course, and the Lord is aware of that.  Peter goes on to teach me by example what to do when my faith falls short.  When Peter himself began to falter he cried out to the Lord:

But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

Peter asked for help.  He immediately recognized his lack of faith, realized he was sinking and admitted his powerlessness in the situation.  He knew he needed help and without hesitation he asked for it.

The Lord responded:

And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
I do not imagine the Savior was in the least bit condescending in His tone when speaking to Peter as he lifted him out of the water; as he saved him.  I believe the Lord spoke to Peter tenderly and with the utmost love.  I know that as I rely on my Savior to lift this burden from me that my mind will continue to heal and I will eventually be restored to wholeness and understanding of my own body and its divine purposes.

I am also grateful for the gratitude I have found in this trial.  I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and the relationship that I have with Him.  I have cultivated and nourished a relationship with Him in which I feel comfortable enough to be truly honest with Him about how I am feeling.  I can crash to my knees and plead for Him to take my hormones away and tell Him I don't want them anymore. I can be mad at Him for giving them to me and I can beg for mercy and understanding as to why I continue to struggle with them.  I can express all this to Him and still know that He loves me and cherishes every word I speak to Him.

It is He that instilled in my the images of the wave and surf board and then directed me to learn from Peter's example.  In a few short moments of expressed anguish He held me, listened to me, empathized with me, told me it would be OK and directed me toward the solution; my Savior.


Thank-you my dear Father for giving me so much.

4 comments:

  1. I needed to read this today. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Me too - I've read it like 5 times haha... it'll sink in eventually:-) Glad it helped you too!

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  2. "It gives me hope that one day I'll be able to cross the threshold into appreciating my own sexuality." --- So...have you crossed that threshold yet?

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"