Friday, January 25, 2013

Dear God: Help Me

I am stuck
I feel numb and confined
I feel isolated and lonely
I feel like I have lost my purpose
I feel apathetic
I feel the touch of the adversaries influence crusting over my heart
Why?  
Such a selfish question I know
I'm tired Heavenly Father
My family has been sick for three weeks now
And now I'm sick
My two year old stood in front of me today, crying his beautiful face off because all he wanted was his mom
... and I had nothing to give.
I couldn't even pick him up.
I know that pride has settled in, like a bad disease in a lonely town
I long to be humble again but am lacking the knowledge to get there
I feel blind
Old thoughts of harm have been haunting me
It would be so easy to just 
STOP
I had the thought today, that if I just slipped I'd be humble again
Humility has always followed a slip since I started recovery
Bad idea, I know
I won't
I know I have so much to be grateful for
Where is it?
Please help me find it, help me remember it...
Feel it
Embrace it
Nourish it
I know gratitude is the lifeblood that will sustain me through this dark time
But it is so dang elusive
Detachment sucks
I know I shouldn't say "sucks" to you but no other word really fits
It's like ripping off a huge scab on my heart and standing there while it oozes
I know that my Savior is the balm for that wound
But I don't feel Him
My fault...
... of course
I need to write more of these God letters when I'm in a good place rather than just a dark place
It would be good for me to reflect back on them
I feel like I should end this with some fiery words of determination and perseverance
But they would be a lie
I don't feel it right now Heavenly Father
I just don't
I'm sorry
I need your help
Please

9 comments:

  1. I have SO been feeling this over the past few weeks as well. Feeling pride and leaning on myself sneaking back in, slowly...and yet not doing what I should about it. Knowing I needed God and humility, but just not feeling it and not sure how to get there again.

    It's interesting to me that although you don't feel humble, you keep saying, "I need your help" and "Please help me..." That IS humility.

    You are loved Sidreis (I even pronounced it correctly in my head this time :). Even if you can't feel him, he is there. Always there.

    Praying for you.

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    1. Thank you my sweet M&M... I think of M&Ms when I see your name:-)

      You're right... asking for help is humble. And I know humility will eventually come. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone!

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    2. Mmmmm...I like that. Now I want some M&M's :)

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  2. Get well soon, Sidreis! You have my sympathy and support. I might not be where I am if you hadn't been there for me. Blessings, spiritual and physical, be upon all in your home!

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  3. Ok LISTEN UP! Two reasons you need to write these when you are down: 1. It helps you. 2. It helps others. Girly I am so feeling this. I even said in my head today if the opportunity and time came up I would slip, but it hasn't. I barely have a few minutes to check your post and boy am I glad I did!! I am so sorry you're sick. I wish I could come bring you some soup and some loves. Keep going. Love you so much!

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    Replies
    1. Dang. I'm glad I wrote it then! And I'm glad you didn't act out. I'm actually feeling better now - sick wise - still sort of wandering aimlessly Spiritually but today has been a better day. My house is clean and I'm making huge headway on laundry. It may seem silly but that really lifts my spirits when my house is clean and organized. Tomorrow will be even better! Thank you! Oh and I love the "LISTEN UP" lol... I laughed.

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  4. Dude.

    Your Sunday will come! Meanwhile, gather your lessons while ye may. ;) You are not without purpose. Your last few comments on my blog (especially "Step 12") have inspired and strengthened me so much! So, you have helped IMMENSELY at least one person. I think that qualifies you as not being without purpose.

    Love this. It's beautiful. You are beautiful. I look forward to your forthcoming post about getting through this. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you thank you. I feel the same about you. :-) And yes, there will be a better post coming ... sooner than later I hope.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"