My Insanity

A while ago another blogger, April at Eat My Scabs, posed a challenge to her readers: to personify their insanity.

I have been avoiding this challenge.  I don't like my insanity and the idea of putting a face to her is rather terrifying.  I avoid her like the plague.  But I've decided I want to flush her out and expose her for what and who she is.

So here is my official entry for the "Insanity Challenge:"

"Some Kind of Wonderful"


Evil Queen
Snow White and the Huntsman


What emotions can you depict by the faces and body language in the pictures above?  I see anger, defiance, intolerance, entitlement, contempt, spite, rebellion, indignation, rage, power, pride and hate (to name a few). But really, mostly I see hurt because no one feels these emotions without experiencing  tremendous pain.  All of these rotten emotions are simply the result of being consumed and smothered by deep hurt.

My Insanity's Physical Appearance:  She is not thin or fat, but she is muscular, well defined and perfectly proportionate.  She is about 5'7", not too short but tall enough to master a commanding presence.  She has long flowing black hair with bright blue eyes and the most perfect eyebrows you have ever seen; eyebrows that are always in a constant sneer.  She has perfectly straight white teeth but you hardly ever see them because she rarely smiles.  She wears casual clothes that show off her figure but she shies away from femininity.  In her mind femininity equals weakness.  Although, she does like to feel sexy, but she in no way relates feeling sexy to femininity.  Dressing to show curves and to attract the attention of others is always a priority.  Her clothes are normally dark in color and tight fitting.  She loves to wear boots.
My Insanity's Presence:  She is commanding in her presence.  When she enters a room she wants everyone to notice her.  She wants everyone to pine over her and to love her.  If they don't, she gets very angry, after all, no one is more important than her.  If they still continue to ignore her, she throws an emotional tantrum and isolates, all the while swimming in her own seething anger.
My Insanity's Tastes:  She loves powerful music.  Anthems that make her feel like she is indestructible and powerful.  She likes her music loud so it drowns out all other emotion.  She loves to be competitive, especially in sports such as softball and volleyball.  The fire of competition feeds her pride.  She also loves horror movies.
My Insanity's Behaviors:  She is a manipulator first and foremost but she will also use other tactical behaviors such as lying to facilitate her manipulations.  Her manipulation is her way of controlling her circumstances and surroundings.  Sometimes she will manipulate for no real reason but just to reassure herself that she still has control over something.
My Insanity's Insecurities:  My insanity is driven by a deeply embedded insecurity.  She usually only flares when I am feeling vulnerable and out of control.  She is my rescuer. 
The problem with allowing My Insanity to rescue me is she doesn't just create a barrier between me and that which she fears will hurt me, but she also creates a barrier between me and the One that can truly rescue me.  I work diligently each day to reassure myself that I no longer need My Insanity and I also work to reassure My Insanity that I'm OK without her.  I have to be careful to not hate My Insanity because that just feeds her.  I must love her, reassure her, accept her, and work to find the Golden Mean between my two extremes (complete isolation and complete power).  That Golden Mean is where I find refuge, security and safety in my Savior.  I must expose my deep pain to my Savior in order to let Him heal me.


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