Journal: Dusting off the Keys

It feels like ages since I have blogged (because it has been), and as I lay here sick in my comfy clothes, I feel it time to dust off the keys and get back to writing. I have really felt the strain of separation from my online recovery community and I really miss connecting with those seeking recovery from all over the world.

So, as you know, we recently moved to Price, Utah. The transition was somewhat bumpy; meaning, actually getting here was riddled with obstacles, but we did eventually make it and we are nicely settled in now.

Everything is absolutely great. I really, truly couldn't ask for anything more. Our house is huge, and wonderful, and completely within our budget. Everyone has their own room, we have a giant kitchen, a dishwasher and a functioning ice-maker, which are all luxuries we didn't have in our old place.

Our house is also located on a quiet street, incredibly close to the city pool (which happens to be open all winter because they cover it with a bubble), and I can see my middle sons bus stop from my front porch. I feel all warm and fuzzy everyday as I watch him get off the bus and greet him at the porch.

Everything is perfect... yet still, I struggle.

The loneliness comes in waves. One day I feel great and then the next I feel completely separate. Gratefully, I have a pretty good routine down so no matter how I'm feeling, I'm still up, showered and contributing to my family and society.

And then there are the triggering thoughts. I haven't been so great at blocking them, or even getting up and moving when they enter my head. Sometimes I just sit in them; drown in them.

I knew I needed help, so last week I fumbled through making an appointment with my new bishop. Nice man. Knows nothing about addiction. And I'm still not sure what he thinks about me. I feel like I completely over-shared with him (even though logically, I really didn't) and I'm still suffering from a major vulnerability hangover from that meeting.

But, the one major good thing that came out of it is I feel like I have, once again, found my recovery footing. I have been deliberate in my battle to manage my thoughts since meeting with him (that's 9 days). And except for a 10 second lapse in judgement a couple of days ago, they have remained clean.

Now, that is not to say there haven't been many knocks at the door from thoughts that wished to enter, but besides the 10 second lapse, none have gained entrance.

So even through the somewhat minor struggles...
I am doing pretty good.
And I am doing pretty good, because God is good.

Tomorrow is a new day... and on that note, I'll end with an awesome meme I ran across today:

Amen to that!


  1. I have been struggling too with change. It's interesting how change that is good can still lead to sorrow and loneliness. Maybe keep a list of your blessings and live in gratitude. As for thoughts... I still struggle with those too.


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