Journal: The Truths That I Know

It’s me again.

I’m not doing very well today...

I poured out my heart to my Father as I stood in the shower.

I let the hot water soak up my tears and I shared my deepest fears with Him.

That I am...

...less than celestial material

...not clean enough 

...not righteous enough

...not mature enough

And then this song came on the  EFY playlist I had playing in the background:

I Am Enough 

Nicole Sheahan

As I heard the words, the tears began to flow even more freely. 

I heard Him. 

I heard Him speak to me through the song, that I am enough.

I am struggling right now, but I refuse to let my struggle silence the truths that I know.

I know that when I struggle this bad, something huge is coming. 

I don’t know what it is, but the adversary does, and he wants to keep me from it.

I know that I am under attack because of it.

I know that the Lord lets the wind blow on my branches to strengthen my roots.

He uses the wind, this struggle, for my good...

...and 

So long as I weather it, I will be stronger, wiser and ultimately closer to Him.

I know that weathering this storm does not translate to weathering it perfectly.

I am not perfect...

...and

My Father doesn't expect me to be so.

He only expects me to remain faithful. 

I know that I am bigger than my body. 

Even though my body is triggering, and I feel completely burdened by it right now...

I am still bigger than it.

I know the tools of recovery. 

I have learned them, worked them, lived them.

I know they work. 

I have lapsed in these basic principles a bit, and that is one of the reasons I am struggling so much.

I know of my love for Him. 

I want to return to Him and dwell with Him more than anything. 

I want to feel His arms around me...

...and 

Feel His soft robes on my cheeks as I inhale the smell of their goodness. 

More than anything I want to hear Him speak the words: 

“Well done, my good and faithful servant."

And therefore, 

I will not give up. 

Because in order for me to hear those words 

I must exemplify them.