Journal: The Truths That I Know
It’s me again.
I’m not doing very well today...
I poured out my heart to my Father as I stood in the shower.
I let the hot water soak up my tears and I shared my deepest fears with Him.
That I am...
...less than celestial material
...not clean enough
...not righteous enough
...not mature enough
And then this song came on the EFY playlist I had playing in the background:
I Am Enough
As I heard the words, the tears began to flow even more freely.
I heard Him.
I heard Him speak to me through the song, that I am enough.
I am struggling right now, but I refuse to let my struggle silence the truths that I know.
I know that when I struggle this bad, something huge is coming.
I don’t know what it is, but the adversary does, and he wants to keep me from it.
I know that I am under attack because of it.
I know that the Lord lets the wind blow on my branches to strengthen my roots.
He uses the wind, this struggle, for my good...
So long as I weather it, I will be stronger, wiser and ultimately closer to Him.
I know that weathering this storm does not translate to weathering it perfectly.
I am not perfect...
My Father doesn't expect me to be so.
He only expects me to remain faithful.
I know that I am bigger than my body.
Even though my body is triggering, and I feel completely burdened by it right now...
I am still bigger than it.
I know the tools of recovery.
I have learned them, worked them, lived them.
I know they work.
I have lapsed in these basic principles a bit, and that is one of the reasons I am struggling so much.
I know of my love for Him.
I want to return to Him and dwell with Him more than anything.
I want to feel His arms around me...
Feel His soft robes on my cheeks as I inhale the smell of their goodness.
More than anything I want to hear Him speak the words:
“Well done, my good and faithful servant."
I will not give up.
Because in order for me to hear those words
I must exemplify them.