Thursday, January 31, 2013

Journal: Facepalm's and Surprises

I want to report that I am doing SO much better than I was a week ago.  I hit a really dark spot didn't I?  I felt so cut off from my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I was wandering around lost in darkness.

But, something amazing happened over the last couple of days that has cleared the fog...

First, a friend of mine sent me a quote:
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
At first this quote was just "cool"... but later it became much more.

The next thing that happened occurred yesterday as I was standing at the mirror blow-drying my hair.  Don't you love how God is good to us that way - speaks to us when we are doing everyday mundane tasks like blow-drying our hair and doing dishes.  Anyway - I was standing there and the thought entered my head:
You are worth the same to God whether you are beautifully blow-dried or whether you are lying in bed sick, with gross hair you haven't combed in 4 days.
It was a simple thought; a thought I didn't pay near enough attention to.  I simply responded with "oh that's cool, I should blog about that."  Here God was trying to talk to me and I was flippantly dismissing Him.

::: facepalm :::

I had other things on my mind.  I was meeting with my Stake President later that night.  He's new.  Even though I already have a good relationship/friendship with him (he is the former 1st counselor in the Stake Presidency) I was still very nervous.  I was seeing my previous Stake President every 6 months or so for added support for a specific struggle I've been having for quite some time.  It's a struggle that I'm actively working on but it's taking a really long time to kick.  I still carry a lot of shame for that struggle and in turn there is a lot of fear surrounding sharing it.

I was really nervous...

So I met with him and shared my struggle.  I had this belief that all the turmoil I'd been feeling was due to this particular struggle.  He saw it differently.  In fact, he didn't really even acknowledge the struggle.  See, the Lord had already whispered to him what my true problem was before I even began reading the letter I'd written to him.

My issue, I came to find out, wasn't what I am struggling with but rather my inability to forgive myself.

I knew he was right.

::: facepalm :::

As soon as he said it I knew it.  The Spirit spoke to me and told me it was true.  The Spirit told me:
I tried to tell you when I sent you that quote through your friend... I tried to tell you that you are holding on to the past; that the struggle is a struggle because you are holding on to it.  There is no one on the other end of the rope.  Stop pulling on it.  Let it go.  I tried to tell you when I spoke to you when you were blow-drying your hair to tell you that you are forgiven and loved NO MATTER WHAT circumstance you are in... even WITH this struggle you are forgiven.  I've tried to tell you that the very fact that it is a "struggle" means you are resisting it and within that fight comes automatic forgiveness.  You are not held accountable for that which you are given to fight, you are only held accountable if you give up that fight.  And you have not given up, in fact you have continued to fight and continued to look for new ways to bolster your arsenal against this struggle.  You have recognized when you are separate from the Lord and you are not comfortable there and you fight to get back to Him.  You are doing everything right.  So stop reading the chapters in which you have not done so well, and focus on the future chapters in which you can write successes and new knowledge and happiness.
Ohhhhh!

It all made sense.  The rest of the meeting was just beautiful.  He talked, I listened and drank my Heavenly Fathers counsel.  And because my anxiety earplugs were now out and my spiritual antenna's were up I could actually hear what the Lord had been telling me for quite some time.
I love you.  I forgive you.  Forgive yourself.
I am so grateful for the precious moments that I get to spend with my Stake President and just sit and drink my Saviors counsel.  I truly am so grateful for the Priesthood and it's designated keys.  I recognize them.  I recognize those keys at work when those that hold them for me will say something that is so uniquely personal and pertinent to me in that single very moment that there is no other explanation than that the Lord is speaking directly to me, through them.  

What a beautiful blessing.

So I'm committing now - to let this struggle go.  I have been given permission to no longer let it torment me so I'm going to do just that.  It is officially kicked to the curb!!!

I AM SO HAPPY!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

The other thing I wanted to report is I have a huge surprise coming for you guys.... but I'm nervous about it... but the idea was planted in my head and I know it's the direction the Lord wants me to take so I'm going to get working on it and it will be presented in the next week or two!

ARE YOU OFFICIALLY CURIOUS!?!?


11 comments:

  1. Hmmm, I have a guess :)! Way to go woman, I'm happy for you.

    *dust

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    1. Ya well - I told you already so it's not a surprise for you!;-)

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  2. I really needed to hear those words today. Thank you for sharing. My hope is renewed. Yes I am curious and excited for you always have great thoughts and ideas to post for all to read.

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    1. Oh I'm so glad Rachael! I actually keep reading it over and over - you know, like it's a journal entry (which it kind of is) just to remind myself what I learned. I really want to hold on to it. I'm glad it helped you too!

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  3. Sidries!

    I'm so happy to you. What a wonderful experience! I love it as much when the truth help me to be free. As I wrote my inventory, I have recognized so much truth about myself and my Heavenly Father. What a great opportunity for me to learn to accept and let go!

    Love
    June

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    1. So happy for you June-bug!! Step 4 and 5 are both hard but beautiful steps:-) I'm glad you are learning so much!

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  4. Great post. Love the humble sincere tone. Thank you. Have you ever read "Getting to Know the Real You" by Sterling G. Ellsworth & Richard G. Ellsworth? An older book but I think it still rocks. I made big changes at 18 years old. Getting comfortable in my mess took time. Heavenly Father was so patient. Seeing myself the way Heavenly Father sees me took even more time. Be of good cheer. From where I am standing you are living & loving with your whole heart. Best of thoughts!

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    1. No I haven't heard of or read that book but I'll put it on my list! Sounds like a great read:-) It's a hard process but man, those little breakthroughs are so so treasured, ya?:-) Ya.

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  5. this is what you were telling me about yesterday, and oh my gosh! It's early and I was already feeling very down and blue. I had a specific thought to come to your blog. I am so happy I just randomly clicked on a post and this is what I read. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I feel like the answer you got and then posted here a few months ago is an answer for me, today. Why is it so hard to let go of the past? This was amazingly insightful and I am so happy for people like you who are so able to listen and hear what you do and then share it!!! You are helping the Lord answer the prayers of others and I am very grateful for that. Thank you lady!!!

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    Replies
    1. Man I forgot about this one! If I'd remembered I'd have shared it with you yesterday hah! The Lord is so good. I'm so glad all these thoughts are here and logged on this blog so the Lord can direct people to them. They are true principles.

      I'm so happy for you - that this provided solace to your aching soul. It did mine too:-) I think I need to go back and read my own blog lol.

      Love you right back!

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    2. Don't do it! Don't look back and reread these chapters of your life!!!

      ...

      I kid.

      (Did you like my use of the "..."? :)

      I remember reading this post right before I anonymously introduced myself to you on your blog. It has way more meaning to me rereading it today.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"