Dear Bishop: Will Heavenly Father Forgive Me?
Right now, this moment I am anxious to meet with you. I have spiraled out of control and when I think of being in your office it feels safe to me. And that's what I need: a safe place to share, process, be encouraged, feel compassion and hopefully feel the spirit.
I messed up again. I know I'm bound to slips and am not expecting perfection of myself, but some slips are greater than others. My slip has shaken me to my core. For the first time in my life I have actually began to believe I've done too much. Will Heavenly Father forgive me? Sure, I think so. But I believe now I've forfeited my right as an heir to the Celestial Kingdom. I don't know if that is true or not, but I know it's not healthy (or helpful) to keep my mind fixated on that thought.
I feel a lot of shame. Thankfully through the small web of support I have now I have been reassured that my worth remains unchanged despite all of this. I don't quite understand that but that is a thought I will keep my mind fixated on.
Bishop, my relapse has seemed to make me weak to my knees, but my pride refuses to let me fall onto them. My soul and body are in conflict with one another. I can't think straight. It's as if I'm looking through fog. This fog is so thick & disorienting that it seems every other hour I forget why I even need to meet with you. But then something or someone shakes me back to the reality of my situation so then I anxiously await our appointment again.
I don't feel like I'm in a centered enough place to tell you what I need, so please seek inspiration on my behalf. Help me feel the spirit. Please help me remain connected to helpful resources and good people.
I know I need my Savior. But I don't know what that means. He seems so out of touch for me. The Atonement seems so flat and unattainable. It seems like an abstract idea. I can't grasp it!
I have a lot of fear. But I also have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that Jesus Christ walked the Earth. I believe in His existence even after death. I believe that Joseph Smith restored this church through the guidance of our Lord. And I really do believe a whole lot more. It's because of this testimony that I'm pushing past the fear and do what I know is right. But don't underestimate the power of this addiction. I fall back into fear and shame far too regularly.
I feel like a good person locked inside a flawed body. I feel unworthy of love. I really do. If you disagree with me about that, please tell me. I probably won't believe you at first, but I need to hear it. Thank you for your service, Bishop. I'll pray for you and hope you'll do the same for me.
A Beautiful Daughter of God
A contributed post in response to A Call For Input: Dear Bishop Letters.