Monday, November 4, 2013

Journal: Lustcrave

lustcrave [luhst-kreyv] noun, lustcraved, lustcrav·ing.
  1. to long for; want greatly; desire eagerly
  2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness
  3. a moment of absolute insatiable and ravenous desire
  4. the threshold at which we surrender our agency
~~~~~~~~~~

I don't even remember what led to the crave, I just remember being bound by it; being bound to it.

Ten minutes.  That's all it was.  Ten minutes of looking at some things I shouldn't have.

Ten minutes too long.

Hot tears stung my eyes as I silently screamed at myself:
How could you.
You are so stupid.
You should know better.
A smudge; that's what you are.

Self hate and loathing threatened to brand its mark of corrosive destruction on my heart.

Just as my feelings of unworthiness reached its pinnacle and just as darkness threatened to consume me, a small glimmer of hope began to shine.

I was gently reminded that hating myself is not a required step in the repentance process.
The Lord does not require such action as Satan would have me believe.
The Lord simply wants me to get up, face forward and keep moving.

My heart wanted to follow the Lord's plan and rest in Him, but in a split moment and by way of a fleeting thought, I asked my heart to do something I had promised it would never have to do again.

I asked my heart to hold and keep my secret.

But my heart was sick of keeping secrets.  It had already suffered devastating damage from all the caustic secrets I had previously forced it to keep.

I felt anguished as I thought forward to the shame, isolation and hopelessness such a secret would bring.  I would be walking back into the same captivity from which the Lord had worked so tirelessly to rescue me.

I refuse to return to that realm of subjugation and enslavement.

Instead I will move through the God ordained steps of repentance:
  • I released the secret and told my husband
  • I did not take the Sacrament based solely on the intent of my heart during my lustcrave, rather than the extent of my actual actions.
  • I scheduled an appointment with my bishop
  • I recognized that my dailies have been sorely lacking which has weakened my armor.  For added layers of accountability and support I have asked my husband to join me in my dailies.
  • I told my Lord that I am sorry, because I am.  So very sorry.
I am striving for freedom from shame, hopelessness, false beliefs, chains, and anything that keeps me gagged and bound from reaching for and calling on my Savior.

I want to go home.
I must keep climbing.

12 comments:

  1. God's love knows no bounds. Be brave as you climb. You can make it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, Sidreis. I'm so sorry you have been feeling so down. God loves you, and I love you. Keep climbing. He is at the top, reaching His hand out for you to hold on to and help pull you up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for giving those of us still struggling hope. I remember reading Step 6 where is says many were already over their addiction and wondering when that would happen for me. We are all human and will make mistakes, will seek after that which we shouldn't, but that is the wonder of the atonement, we can turn to the Lord again. He is waiting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm.. do I give the impression that I don't still struggle? I might have to blog about that. I do still struggle - and I think that's what keeps me passionate about this topic. I just don't like to focus on the struggle... so I spludge forward with the work. But I definitely don't want to give the impression that I'm 'recovered' or 'cured.' Ya, not there yet, and I really don't expect to be till after I die. Thanks for the insight Stace!

      Delete
    2. No! I don't think you give the impression. For me, at least, it's easy to think that others don't struggle. It's the idea that someday I'll be fixed from this addiction, that I won't stumble again. And when I do stumble, then Satan is there with the lies that I'm too far gone, that it was my last chance, etc. So seeing someone further along in recovery also still struggle, still have to strive, helps me see that I can pick myself back up too and move forward. And not let one near slip-up derail my recovery.

      Delete
    3. Ahh ok! Well it inspired my most recent most none the less, so good job! haha

      Delete
  4. Your strength continues to amaze me. It's hard to make those positive decisions to keep moving forward in the moment of despair. That is when those lies fill my head and tell me it would be easier to just give up... I admire your courage to give up the secret and let God in, shower you with His love. Your honesty is also inspiring. Love you so much, you are a beautiful daughter of God.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for writing about this. I just went through the same thing today and Kilee told me to read your post. It's so nice to have someone who KNOWS how I feel. I'm looking forward to our double date over Thanksgiving week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thanks! I'm looking forward to seeing you guys too! Although I didn't know it was happening over Thanksgiving week lol. We need to get it on the calendar! I'll text your wifey:-)

      Delete
  6. You are honest, courageous, strong, and inspiring. Thank you for sharing those parts of yourself so openly. I wish I had read this sooner!

    ReplyDelete
  7. There is no pain in your life that cannot be healed. God is able to heal and make you whole.The only way that we can receive healing from our pain and to be placed on our journey to wholeness, is to give God the entirety of our being. Taking your pain to God and allowing Him to expose what is inside of you can be uncomfortable even painful. Healing is a painful process. It causes you to dig to the deepest parts of your heart to push everything out. But after you let God heal you, a glorious new life begins.
    http://pursuithispresence.blogspot.com/2014/02/healing-is-painful-process_16.html

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"