I Still . . .

During one of the classes at The Togetherness Project, the presenter posed a challenge to us.  He gave us each a note-card and asked that we write down one of two things:
  1. Something that we have never told another soul; our deepest darkest secret.
  2. If we no longer hold any secrets, how do we feel now about the secret we once held.
This is what I wrote:
In case you can't read my handwriting:
"Shame - fear of judgement, stigma/stereotyping & labeling.  I would be socially branded."

I still feel shame for things that I have given to God through His ordained repentance process.

Things that I have:  
  • Inventoried it in Step 4.
  • Shared with my sponsor and Bishop, free of rationalization and justification, in Step 5.
  • Committed to do better in the future.
  • Worked to not focus on, not feed, and to face forward.
Yet - I still feel shame for it.  
Why?  Because I am scared of what others will think/feel/say/do.
I am not perfect in my surrender.

Even though my mission is to bring shame awareness and help others find hope, I am not perfect at it myself.

In my recent post, Lustcrave, I expressed my feelings surrounding a recent struggle that I faced and didn't handle as well as I would have liked.  I succumbed to temptation and looked at some things I shouldn't have.

I received some feedback on that post that led me to believe some may think that I am 'recovered' or 'cured.'  

I want to make it clear that I have not been miraculously cured. 

I still trigger
I still crave
I still feel shame
I still battle my own human hormones
I still struggle to keep intimacy with my husband clean

But... (and this is one time I advocate using the word 'but' which usually negates what came prior)

I am grateful for all of it.  Because without it - I would not so passionately rely on my Savior the way I do.

If I don't speak of my specific struggle, it is not because I don't struggle, because I surely do. But rather, I choose to expend my energy on furthering the work, spreading hope, and creating connections.

I no longer feed each little trigger or temptation that I experience by dwelling on it, or wallowing in the 'why me' of it.  

Recovery comes more swiftly when I focus on the Lord and work toward Him, rather than focusing on that which keeps me away from Him.


  1. Love this! It is true. We all still struggle. It is part of being human.

  2. This is similar to what Rhyll just wrote about being a wife in recovery.

    "However, I have never known anyone, including myself, who in their humility, honesty and accountability will say that they have achieved perfect recovery. We strive for progress not perfection. That is why I love surrounding myself with women who are humbly, with God’s help, working to be consistently true to themselves."


    1. Oh I like that! And it's so true. I get asked that all the time "will I ever be cured?"... and I just have to say 'it's possible, but not likely...'... I think the change comes when we choose to view our addiction as an opportunity rather than a curse.


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