lustcrave [luhst-kreyv] noun, lustcraved, lustcrav·ing.
- to long for; want greatly; desire eagerly
- uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness
- a moment of absolute insatiable and ravenous desire
- the threshold at which we surrender our agency
I don't even remember what led to the crave, I just remember being bound by it; being bound to it.
Ten minutes. That's all it was. Ten minutes of looking at some things I shouldn't have.
Ten minutes too long.
Hot tears stung my eyes as I silently screamed at myself:
How could you.
You are so stupid.
You should know better.
A smudge; that's what you are.
Self hate and loathing threatened to brand its mark of corrosive destruction on my heart.
Just as my feelings of unworthiness reached its pinnacle and just as darkness threatened to consume me, a small glimmer of hope began to shine.
I was gently reminded that hating myself is not a required step in the repentance process.
The Lord does not require such action as Satan would have me believe.
The Lord simply wants me to get up, face forward and keep moving.
My heart wanted to follow the Lord's plan and rest in Him, but in a split moment and by way of a fleeting thought, I asked my heart to do something I had promised it would never have to do again.
I asked my heart to hold and keep my secret.
But my heart was sick of keeping secrets. It had already suffered devastating damage from all the caustic secrets I had previously forced it to keep.
I felt anguished as I thought forward to the shame, isolation and hopelessness such a secret would bring. I would be walking back into the same captivity from which the Lord had worked so tirelessly to rescue me.
I refuse to return to that realm of subjugation and enslavement.
Instead I will move through the God ordained steps of repentance:
- I released the secret and told my husband
- I did not take the Sacrament based solely on the intent of my heart during my lustcrave, rather than the extent of my actual actions.
- I scheduled an appointment with my bishop
- I recognized that my dailies have been sorely lacking which has weakened my armor. For added layers of accountability and support I have asked my husband to join me in my dailies.
- I told my Lord that I am sorry, because I am. So very sorry.
I want to go home.
I must keep climbing.