Journal: Stress > User Dreams

Well I made it to Montana safe and sound.  Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know it was no easy trek getting here.  I think I made six puke stops along the way.  It was insane!  My poor kids.  They get it from me.  I think I will do things different on the way home so they don't suffer as much.

On Saturday we had a huge family gathering.  I was able to see my brother Tom for the first time in about 10 years.  I admit, I was a bit nervous.  There is a huge age difference between the two of us and we live completely different lifestyles so I was nervous we wouldn't have much in common.  But I was happy to find out we do!  We listen to a lot of the same music and actually have similar senses of humor.  At one point I felt this wave of "I really want to be his friend" wash over me... and so I told him: "You're pretty cool Tom, I think think we should be friends" in which he responded "Yeah, we should."  It felt good!

Sunday was a huge gathering as well... and as much as I love my family, the amount of people started to wear on me.  I don't do well in large crowds and as my stress level rose my desire to hide increased as well. I fought it, but not without being OCD when it came to glancing at the clock.

Finally it was time to settle down a bit. As the peace settled in I began to trigger.  The stress and anxiety was a bit overwhelming and my brain was reminding me of the quick fix for it.  I ignored it though and decided to just watch one of my favorite shows on my laptop in bed and then crash.  I fell asleep safe.

I can't say I woke up safe though.  I had one of the hardest most vivid and most personal user dreams I think I have ever had.  I woke up triggering like crazy and dripping in dopamine.  I felt sick to my stomach and depressed.  I text my sponsor and told her, and also my Bishop.  I cleaned the house and took a shower and got outside with the kids.  It took a while but eventually I forgot the dream.

I'm tired now and still triggering.  It's been a long day.  But I'm off to bed again... and I'll arise tomorrow morning, 936 days sober.


  1. Sounds stressful! I'm proud to know you, and that's awesome about connecting with your brother. Good job today.

  2. I long to be able to say I have that much sobriety. But I will. Sorry about the crappy user dream.

  3. I'm sorry, but 936 days sober is quite cool!


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