A Bucket List Wish
What a wonderful opportunity to hear from our God ordained leaders this past weekend. I love how much more comfortable I am listening to the General Conference messages now. It used to be that I could hardly stomach listening to what I perceived as 'accusations.'
You aren't enough
You aren't doing this right
You are going to hell
I'm sure I had help with those thoughts.
I'm different now, though. Now, I rejoice in the words being taught!
As I settled down in front of the television to listen and soak up inspiration this past weekend, I was blessed with the usual instruction on faith, obedience, tithing and repentance. But I was most struck by principles taught by Richard G. Scott. He took the time to express the distinct, yet often confused, difference between weakness and rebellion.
I have my own thoughts to share on his topic, and will at a later time. For now, though, I want to share a personal memory I have of Elder Scott.
Elder Scott is one of my favorite Apostles. I met him once, a long time ago. He was visiting my stake center to preside over a conference. I sat behind him, positioned in the alto section of the choir. His presence was so relaxed. He was warm and welcoming, and even allowed questions and feedback from the audience.
He asked something at one point, and I remember having a thought; a comment. I was too scared to raise my hand, however. I was in the choir loft where everyone could see me. The last thing I wanted to do was bring unwanted attention to myself.
I remained still and silent.
I did, however, have the strong desire to meet him; to shake his hand. As unworthy as I felt, I knew I was in the presence of an ordained Apostle and I didn't want to miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.
After the conference, I stood in line behind the plethora of people that flocked to shake his hand. I felt insignificant. But, I also hoped that by shaking his hand I might find hope and strength. That the small touch of his handshake might instill in me renewed commitment and determination.
My turn soon approached and he gently took my hand and smiled at me. I stumbled over my words as I blurted out:
"I had a comment during your talk but I was behind you so I didn't raise my hand."
He paused and said something completely unexpected:
"Oh, well, I'd love to hear it now."
He waited expectantly as I stood there and blinked.
He wants to hear what I have to say?
I eventually formed some words. I couldn't tell you what I said, or even what it was about. But I remember what I felt like it was yesterday.
I was sure he thought I was stupid.
I also felt like he could see right through me; that he knew of my deep struggle with sexual addiction. He is a seer and revelator, after all.
I felt such acute conflict. I wanted to desperately to be in his presence, to stay with him, to connect with him, to bask in his goodness and be protected by his mantle. Yet at the same time I felt such intense self hatred. I felt the almost tangible transformation of good feelings turn vile and nasty.
I still remember that day; cherish that day and regret that day all at the same time.
One of my greatest wishes is to re-write that memory. I feel the opportunity slipping away. As the church continues to expand the Apostles are becoming busier and the chance of my path once again crossing with Elder Scott's continues to decrease.
I have this desire to tell him I'm different. That I'm better. Who knows, maybe it will happen. I do know that if it doesn't happen on this earth, I will have the opportunity to express my feelings to him in the next.
I anxiously await the day.