Monday, April 15, 2013

Journal: Isolation is the PITS!

I've been hit with a wave of pretty heavy depression.  I have been feeling so low and stuck.  The biggest symptom is this insatiable craving to isolate.  I haven't felt the need to isolate this intensely since prior to recovery, I think.

I don't have a very good grip on it either.  It's spilling over.  I lied to two people yesterday in order to protect my isolation...

The first was to my visiting teacher who text me early in the morning and asked if there was a time this week they could come and visit.  I rolled my eyes internally.  When I feel low like this the last thing I want is company.  So I lied and said no.  I blamed school projects, finals and Tim's graduation that's coming up.  

Then on the way to church I bumped into my Relief Society President and her family and she asked how I was doing.  I lied and responded "pretty good."  Which, I really wasn't doing pretty good.

I've reached out to both of these sisters and came clean with my fibs and explained where I really am.  Both responded with love.  They are good people and I'm very blessed to have them in my life.

I'm  also feeling the desire to isolate from my Bishop.  I mentioned a few blog posts ago about a night where I fell under some heavy temptation and was directed to text my Bishop.  He did answer... but when we talked about it in person a few days later he said with sort of an eye roll that he really almost didn't answer my text.  That scared me.  I lean on my Bishop a lot and I think I wear him out.  

I was reminded of a line from one of my favorite 80's movies, Some Kind of Wonderful...  

The main character Keith and his side-kick Watts, are best friends.  In a nutshell, Watts is secretly in love with Keith and Keith wants to date the popular girl, Amanda Jones.  At one point Keith begins to resent Watts for nitpickingly getting in the way of him and Amanda and Watts tells him she'll just stop coming around altogether:
I'm driving you crazy and you're driving me crazy and I'd rather not see you and have you think good things about me than have you see me and hate me.  'Cause I can't afford to have you hate me, Keith.  The only things I care about in this **** life are me and my drums and you.
And this is how I feel about my Bishop.  Except he's not driving me crazy and I have many more important things to me than just him and some drums; which I don't even play the drums.  But, I would hate to have the cry wolf thing happen with him.  When I really need help and reach out to him, I don't want him to ever think 'ugghhhh HER again?' and not respond. So I'm finding myself pulling back from him.

I've also been feeling low because of the weather.  I woke up to this today... blech!!  Seriously?  So depressing.


Isolation sucks.

But.

I did have a small but big tender mercy happen yesterday for me.  My dear friend was teaching Relief Society and had us listen to super uplifting music and spend 10 minutes searching for a scripture/hymn that spoke of the nature of God and what that means for me.  I returned to a scripture I'd found a few days before and studied it more in-depth.

D&C 38 7-9, 15
But behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you.  I am in your midst and ye cannot see me; But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness soon shall be rent...  Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared.  Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome.  Therefore, be ye strong from henceforth; fear not.
I love how the Lord is in my midst.  He is not a prideful God that sits up on His throne and lets me flounder around by myself.  No, He is down here with me, loving me, nurturing me and healing me.  He is here in the darkness with me.  I am not alone.

How can I isolate from that?

So I will work to continue to reach out.  I know this is a crazy wave and a device of the adversary to keep me hidden from His healing touch.

But I will not go back to that place I once was....

11 comments:

  1. Why, why, why? All I did and wanted to do was isolate, too today. But the opposite of isolating is crying and calling on people who like you said, probably feel worn out by us a lot of times. It's a discouraging thing--both seem like miserable options. Especially when you're depressed

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    1. I agree and disagree. I don't think the opposite of isolating is necessarily calling people and crying, for me anyway. Instead I look at is just living life. Just getting outside. Not being afraid to take my kids to the complex park because I'm worried people will talk to me, actually showering and going grocery shopping.. stuff like that to me is what equals not isolating. I'm not one to cry a lot and call people... for me, that feeds my anxiety and my whining so I strive to stay away from that. I save all that for the Lord or my Bishops office.

      Not always though... I've had a few crashes where I'd just sit and cry to people. I'm grateful for them!

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    2. I appreciate your thoughts here--and agree with your definition of " opposite"

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  2. Boo for feeling like a leech but needing to be one so you don't isolate! ;-)
    I'm going to remind you what you reminded me: you have me. You have seattle, you have all the other wonderful ladies who both love and respect you as well as look up to and learn from you. You have the lighthouse boards, you have your bishop who you can meet with and text. You have a lot of support and you need to USE IT instead of isolating. :) how was that? :)
    I feel you though. This is hard stuff we are dealing with. Want to know what I was thinking about tonight though? I was re-reading my patriarchal blessing again tonight and thinking about how we all existed before this. And we not only existed before this, but we knew what our lives would be like - the challenges and struggles we would need to go through to get back. And we not only knew about this but we ACCEPTED IT! Isn't that amazing? We really are so much stronger than we think. It was a nice reminder to me that I knew what I was getting into, which means that there is hope to overcome it all through the help of our Savior.

    As you would say, chin up my friend :) Love you!!!

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    1. Yes, I do... I do know I have all those people... KNOWING I have people that love me to reach out to isn't the problem.. it's fighting the desire NOT to. It's like having zero appetite (which, frankly, doesn't hardly ever happen, but).. when it does happen I have to really be vigilant and conscious to eat, because I know that my body needs the nutrition. So that's where I'm at with the isolation. I'm being vigilant and conscious to just live life...

      Love you right back!

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  3. ah the whole isolation vs quality personal time is certainly a balance. But I would say for me the underlying emotions are the key. If i am escaping and avoiding and feeling negative then disconnecting from others is isolating...which often leads to negative thinking and apathy and acting out.

    You are an absolute saint. You are still an 'old-timer' (not implying age here) and a veteran. But even veterans can feel emotions.

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    1. Yep you are completely right Warrior. I need to identify my motive. That is the key. Thank you for reminding me!

      I love being an oldtimer. Someone, who I crazy admire, once said I have an "old soul"... which was like the biggest compliment ever. So I hear ya.:-)

      Thanks!

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  4. I feel like a jerk saying this but it is comforting to know that even those long down the road in recovery still struggle with this. I bawled and bawled last night about how I don't have any friends etc. I have lost a few friends and one because of my choices and how she chose to react. I feel so alone, so so alone, if I didn't have my husband I would literally fall apart right now. I have been in total isolation mode the last week or so. I don't want to talk to anyone or anything but then I complain how alone I feel. Silly. But it does help me to know that this will be a life long battle and that is okay and we can all do this. I love you, you know! :) I hope to see you at group again soon.

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    1. Nah - so not a jerk. I'm glad I'M not the only one. Sounds like a lot of others are struggling too. Sorry you've been feeling so lonely. You've said many many times that it is YOUR choices that caused your friend to leave.... that is NOT the case. It was HER choices that caused her to leave. You gotta let that go my friend. There are much better friends out there waiting for you to stop mourning the one that wasn't built upon a rock and blew away.

      I love you too! You're amazing!

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  5. I am a fan of Carl Rogers. Are you familiar with him? 1930-1940's ground breaking ideas. Adorable person who introduced the idea of empathy and how it can heal those who feel broken. He is known for person-centered therapy. Anyway a favorite quote of mine is "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change". I have pondered the application of this insight with myself and those I work with. I love your honesty, transparency, ability to see error and correct direction. Carl Rogers might suggest you accept you feel the need to isolate, like deep down know that it is okay, normal and natural to feel the pull and in the process of truly accepting whatever it is we are trying to change, change can happen. Naturally and with the ease we all seek. You are kind of amazing.

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    1. I LOVE that quote! Thank you for sharing it. The name Carl Rogers sounds vaguely familiar. I think I may have studied him in my psych 1010 class.

      But he's right... it's so true. By not accepting ourselves for who we are we are wasting so much energy looking elsewhere at wasn't ours, but wishing was. We must pull our attention back within us and then look forward and make who we currently are a better person tomorrow.

      It's so simple but so hard at the same time! hah. Love it.

      I wish I knew you! I'd like to put you in my back pocket. :-)

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"