Friday, July 26, 2013

Then, and Now

I am quoting my current bishop a bit in Chapter 5 of my book.  In order to quote him correctly, I went back and revisited our earliest Facebook conversations.  A good chunk of our communication took place over Facebook messages--a true blessing from the Lord.

As I was filtering through those messages, I came across one that stopped me flat.  I read it, and could hardly believe it was me.  I am filled with so much gratitude and am grateful for this awesome online journal I have of my early recovery.  I am able to see, in literal black and white print, just how far the Lord has carried me.

I want to share this section with you:

* * *

July 31, 2009 - written to my bishop.

(I had not yet attended a group meeting.  I had only met with my bishop a couple of times and had planned on working the steps on my own.)

Heya

I was wondering if you can do something for me. I was thinking our next meeting was this Tuesday but then realized you will be out of town and that it's [actually] a week from Tuesday. I was wondering if, before our next visit, you could talk to that other lady in the ward and get details on the group meetings. Just what they are like, how many people go, what they talk about, do they call on people specifically, would I be expected to participate, can I sit in the back - that sort of thing.

I've been really working on praying more. Actually, praying period, since I haven't in--I can't even remember how long. So, in my first prayer, about a week ago, I expressed my desire to be apart of something so tight nit and supportive as these groups, but I also expressed the monumental fear I feel when I think about going. I seriously get knots in my stomach and die inside [when I think about it]. I'm sure it would be fine after a few visits, but that first time, feels like I'd be walking into a dungeon of doom.

So anyways, I expressed all that in my prayer and asked Heavenly Father to soften my heart to the idea of going. I figured that was a simple enough thing to ask for. Since then, it's really all I think about. But, it's still a huge unknown to me so I'd like more information on it.

Also, I may take you up on that offer for you to go with me, because I seriously don't see myself walking in there by myself. I would drive there, and then I would sit, and I would talk myself out of it and turn around and come home. I still may do that even with you going with me. Taking that first step over the threshold is terrifying when it means letting go of a secret I am ashamed of and have kept hidden for 20 years.

Thanks a bazillion:-)

* * *

I was so stuck under piles of fear and shame.  But I was blossoming,.  A seed had been planted and it was growing.  The Lord loved me, Angels spoke to me and encouraged me... and eventually I reached.  I reached out for that support that I so desperately needed.

It has truly made all the difference.

10 comments:

  1. Wow, this is amazing! Thank you for sharing. Good perspective for me today :)

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  2. I'm pretty sure you just described the feelings of MANY about attending their first meetings.... whether as an addict or as the family member of one.

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    1. Yep - I agree. So much fear surrounding attending meetings.

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  3. I remember it was not long after this that I called Elder Jones to ask about how meetings worked and find out exactly where in the building they were held so we didn't have to wander the meeting house looking. That seems like forever ago!

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    1. It wasn't a "we" at that point. You were just calling for me. But you did call him, and I appreciate that!

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  4. I probably wouldn't have gone myself if my support person hadn't come with me. This is so great!

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  5. I love that you have a little piece of you to be able to look back on and see just how far you've come. That is such a blessing!!! Reaching out really does make all the difference huh? I loved this :)

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    1. I know! I'm grateful for that information too. That record of where I was. I sure have been carried a long way:-)

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"