Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Journal: Becoming a Seeker - Part 1

The intensity of my seeking new recovery information often comes in waves.  I will seek and find new information or resources that bolster my recovery and then spend a good portion of 'quiet time' digesting the information I've discovered.

Once the digestive process is over I begin, again, to hunger for more information.

It is entirely cyclic, just like the addiction I battle.

::: sigh :::

I am hungry.

I have been hungry for a while now, but my hands have been dipped in so many projects that I haven't quite found the time to really seek out more information.

It is time that I make time.

I am hungry for information to help me with my thoughts.  Even after a solid four years of recovery and all the work I have done, I still strongly battle my thoughts.  I long for one single day that I don't actively struggle in my head.

As I sink myself into contributing to the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I have learned something about myself.

I am addicted to lust.

For so long I have worked to maintain my sobriety by not viewing pornography or masturbating, yet pornography and masturbation are simply symptoms of my lust.  They are tools or pathways that I use to unleash and access the lust within me.

I don't want to just be sober.  I want to be clean - on the outside, yes, but especially on the inside.

I need to get honest about where I'm at.  Sometimes I lose vision of that because I'm so busy working in so many other areas.  But as recovery states, I cannot help others if I am not first helping myself.

I must keep focus on my own recovery.

I don't want my recovery to be small defensive battles but, instead, I want it to be an all-out war.  I want to gather as many tools and resources as I can and ROAR in the face of the corrosive lust within me.  I want to be honest about where I am and what I struggle with so I can give it to God; so I can allow my Savior to cleanse and heal me; heal my heart.

I liken my thoughts to pesky mosquitoes.  For so long I would lay limp and let them attach to me and suck me dry.  Now, I actively swat at them as they come for me; as they threaten my peace of mind.  But I refuse to believe that I am destined to swat mosquitoes, my thoughts, for the rest of my life.

There must be something better than this.

So - I have sought out SA (Sexaholics Anonymous).

I've never attended an SA meeting.  I do own the White Book and have studied it some, but other than that I don't have any other experience with SA.

It is time.

SA targets lust in all forms and identifies the monster within us, rather than focusing on the symptoms of our craving.

I will be attending my first meeting this coming Sunday.  Fortunately, it is an SA meeting with an LDS focus which already makes it much more comfortable for me.

Will I be the only woman?  I don't know.  I don't care.  I'm there for knowledge.

I need more knowledge.
I need to hear voices of others who walk the path ahead of me.
I need to hear what their pitfalls are - so that I can avoid them.
I need to hear of their triumphs - and find hope that I can be healed.
I need to find unity in a safe place.

And maybe - I can find a sponsor - a woman, of course.  Maybe.

I need one.

As you can see, this post is Part 1 of a planned 2 part series.  Part 2 will detail my experience at my first SA meeting and hopefully be brimming with the new found knowledge I seek.

Till then  . . .

4 comments:

  1. My husband came across this talk on mormom chanel and it has been huge for him regarding his thoughts. Anyway...thought I would pass it along. http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
    Good luck at the meeting...I look forward to reading part 2. :)
    ~Jen A

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  2. Wow. You continue to be an inspiration. And the thoughts will lessen. That's been my experience. You are so wonderful, Sid!

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  3. Sidreis, you are awesome. I'll look forward to reading about your experience with SA.

    One thing SA does is help you get grounded in reality, the present moment, etc. Since you're seeking tools for your arsenal, there's one thing I have found that helps me physically stop my raging hormones in their tracks, and it goes along with what SA teaches. It's a trick from yoga meditation. Maybe you're doing it already, but just in case you aren't, here it is:

    The moment I realize I'm lusting, I immediately relax all of my abdominal muscles (which I guarantee will be contracting when lusting starts). Then I take several deep and slow belly breaths (through my nose if possible) and bring my mind into focus on the present by taking a mental inventory of the interactions between my senses and my surroundings. I take notice of all the sights, smells, and sounds around me, the temperature in the air, the feel of my clothing and the seat I'm sitting on, etc. It really helps me put on the brakes. It’s not a total solution, but it’s one tool that helps me a lot. Good luck!

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  4. I can't wait to hear more about this -- I know my husband has come to find a big part of his recovery in SA, and the realizations it's given him and the progress he's made gives it a special place in my heart :-) The getting right to the lust issues were big -- and deeper still, the shame. The way LifeStar explained it to Greg, was the acting out (MB, porn, sexting, whatever) is the branches of the addiction tree. You can keep chopping them off but they often keep growing back. Lust is the trunk. It's what's feeding the behaviors, and keeping the addiction alive even when the branches are chopped all off. But at the root, the literal roots, is shame and faulty core beliefs that feed all of it. I think SA does a great job at getting to the trunk, and even really starting to work on killing the roots (though he has found most of that work through counseling/LifeStar, but says SA helps a lot, maybe not as directly, but just because of being open and sharing and hearing other people's struggles, that all is shame busting. So happy for this new part of you journey!!!
    Hilary

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"