Touching Darkness

I have been struggling lately with pride; specifically feelings of being right and feelings of entitlement.  I hate it when I let these feelings consume me.  I sometimes get so caught up in these feelings that I can't tell which way is up.  I recently faced a situation in which I didn't act or react in a way that would be very pleasing to the Lord.  Being right took precedence and became more important than anything else.  Over the last week I have been torn in half emotionally and spiritually as I've struggled for control and justification rather than focusing on my Savior and following His example.

My countenance got so low this last week that for the first time in a long while I again entertained suicidal thoughts.  I admit, I do often think about death, but it's more in my prayers as I express to my Heavenly Father "Heavenly Father, today would be a good day to take me home" rather than thoughts of taking my own life.  But last week I was surrounded by such darkness and was subject to very specific thoughts about taking my life in a manner that I've never really thought about before.  The specificity of these thoughts made it quite apparent to me that they were the result of whisperings from agents of the adversary.  They were not thoughts I really could have come up with on my own.

One thing that surprised me though was that my addiction didn't trigger.  Normally when I'm thrown into tumultuous situations I struggle with the desire to act out in my addiction.  I believe this time was an exception to that rule however, because I feel I descended below that desire; below the point that even acting out in my addiction would bring me joy.  I touched thoughts that normally would help numb my pain, but even those thoughts didn't bring the usual solace and so I just let them go. 

I decided I needed to meet with my Bishop.  I needed to find refuge in his office to feel the intimate love of my Savior.  I didn't really realize how exhausted and torn apart I was until I met with him and began to feel the most immediate and exquisite peace.  I truly believe the adversary was left at the door of the church building as I entered and for the first time in a while I was free of his direct influence.  Through tears I shared my struggles with him knowing he is a representative of my Savior.  After patiently listening to me he opened his scriptures and read the following verse:

Joseph Smith History 1:15

After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God.  I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak.  Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

Thick darkness truly had gathered around me to the point in which I myself entertained thoughts of personal destruction. 

Another verse I can also relate to is:

Joseph Smith History 1:20 (last 1/3 of the verse)

It seems as though the adversary was aware, at a very early period of my life, that I was destined to prove a disturber and an annoyer of his kingdom; else why should the powers of darkness combine against me?  Why the opposition and persecution that arose against me, almost in my infancy?

I know I have a lot to offer to others in regards to recovery; specifically other sisters who struggle with addiction.  I have been given so many opportunities to share my story of how the Savior has and continues to rescue me.  I guess that truly would make me a disturber of the dark one's plan. 

Dang right I am a distrurber!  I'm a freakin' warrior!!  Heck if I'm gonna let him win!!

A tender mercy came today in the form of the Ensign.  I quickly opened it and found I'd fallen on the page of the first article titled "Answering the Call of Duty."  The article profiles President Monson's service to his fellow man since he started serving in the church as a Bishop at the young age of 20.  I love President Monson so much and his example is so important to me.  Tears streamed down my face as I realized I had lost sight of my purpose on this earth.  This article helped me refocus on that purpose; to love and serve the people.  To bring other sisters who struggle unto the Light of Christ. 

I am so grateful for this trial and all that I have learned from it.  I'm also grateful for the continuous opportunity I have to rely on my Savior to temper my pride.  Without Him, I would surely be destroyed.