Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Dear God Letters: I Want to Go Home

I want to go home
I don't want to be here anymore
I am tired
I am struggling to feel positive and happy
I feel like isolating
I yelled at my family yesterday in a bad way
I will apologize to them today
I have a group project in my philosophy class to present tonight and I'm nervous
I miss someone, but I have to let them go
I don't want to let them go, but I will
It hurts
I have the best friends in the world, thank you for them
I'm glad I get to keep them forever
I'm grateful for music
I've listened to Sinead O'Connor's version of Silent Night about 100 times today
I feel compressed... like in a chamber
I will submit to it for I know compression refines me
I will be shinier on the other side of this
I want to cry
I feel like I have no place to do it
I want to just lay in a field on my back and look at the sky and talk to you
But it's cold outside and I'd probably get eaten by a mountain lion
I need a place that I can just sob, unabashedly
Like Enos did on the hill
I love Enos
I used to do it in my Bishop's office
But I'm striving to not need him so much
I want you to be proud of me, more than anything
I long to hear the words "well done, my good and faithful servant"
I feel your love in those words
I felt friction in my ward on Sunday when a controversial topic was discussed
I didn't like it
Judgements were made.  By others.  By me
I was offended
I'm still working to let it go
Even through the darkness surrounding me I feel a light
There is a light within me
I've nurtured that light and kept it burning
So that
When darkness surrounds me, I am still illuminated
I am still warm
I am still alive
I can still feel
I can still love
I can still find gratitude
I can still serve
I can still do all these things even through my trials
I will hunker down and weather this storm
And I will be sustained by feasting on my gratitude
It's like lembas bread in Lord of the Rings, one bite lasts for days
Yes, I want to come home
But I will stay
And I will serve
And I will live
And I will fight
Because I love you

6 comments:

  1. O dear sister,

    What blessing awaits in your life that Satan so wants to bind you? What wonderful great thing is nigh, that the dark angels desire to distract with doubt and confusion? What kind of souls need your light so much that the adversary desires to darken it? What kind of countenance do you possess, what sort of weapons do you bear, what kind of army do you support, that evil endeavors to stop you? What great pains have you endured, that you have become strong enough that God allows this in your life right now? What kind of armour have you chosen that brings such faith that this too shall pass? And what Savior do you follow, that allowed miracles enough to let you share such a beautiful poem of honesty with us today?

    Dear God,
    Thank you for Sidreis.

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    Replies
    1. I don't even know what to say to this lol. My reaction is like "who me?"... it's beautiful though and I absolutely love it. Thank you!

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  2. I love this. I am so glad you shared it today. Thank you!

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  3. Thank you for STAYING, for SERVING, for LIVING & for FIGHTING. The light within you is powerful and will overcome the darkness. Your light sparks the light within me and so many others. Thank you!

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  4. Dear God, I want to go home....I am a my wits end and I see no light anymore. I do not want to be here anymore. I stay only for my aging mother who really needs me and for my son. I am sooooo tired of trying. Dear God...let me go home when my mom passes on. I give up...

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"