Journal: Stagnancy, Moving, and Feeling Heavy
The other day I wasn't feeling good at all. I was randomly nauseous all day and pretty much stayed in bed and did nothing the entire day. By the end of the day I had reached a point of feeling depressed because I'd laid stagnant for so long. I started surfing Netflix looking for a movie I could watch to pass the last couple of hours before bed time. As I flipped through various categories of movies I found myself drawn to titles that are not good for me. I got scared and closed Netflix. As I lay pondering why I suddenly began to trigger I realized it was because I had been inactive all day. I hadn't done my dailies, I'd done no work or service, I hadn't reached out to anyone. Mostly I just laid around moaning and feeling sorry for myself. I realized I'd created a breeding ground for temptation. I decided I needed to just get to bed safe and that I simply needed a new day.
The following day I committed to not repeat the day before. Even though I still felt sick I got up and showered first thing. I cleaned the house and then took the kids grocery shopping. I came home and put the little man down for a nap and then spent some quality time with the older two boys. After little man woke up I took all three of them to the park and enjoyed some fresh air open sky. After the park I came home and got dinner on the table.
I ended that day grateful for the revelation I'd received the night before and the desire instilled in me to not let that day repeat itself. But most importantly I was grateful because I was still safe. The Lord had protected me, angels watched over me and the Spirit guided me. And because I listened I was kept safe.
I journaled last week about praying about moving. I ended that blog post committing to praying about it and seeking the Lord's direction regarding whether or not we should move. Each night I prayed for one of two very boxed, black and white, answers. Should we move? Or should we stay? After a couple of days I had no answer, but I had this very distinct impression that I wasn't the one to receive the answer. I felt impressed to defer to Tim and let him make the decision.
For those of you who know me, you know this is not usually easy for me. I'm a red personality. I love control. Whether or not we move and where we move to is something I would normally fight for control over. But this time I felt such peace that there literally was no fight in me. I gratefully accepted that answer.
When I told Tim what my answer was he was surprised. Probably more surprised that I so easily accepted the answer rather than at the answer itself.
The next day we went to the Temple to work on some of Tim's family names. It was a very spiritual experience. While there Tim received that answer that we are to stay in our current ward for a time. The Spirit whispered to him "you need to stay and finish what you started." I'm not at liberty to say exactly what that means, but it was clear to us the work we need to finish here.
I am so grateful for this answer. Some were worried about me and sad for me because they knew how much I was looking forward to moving into a bigger place. But I feel more secure knowing the Lord is directing my path than I would be in a bigger house with no direction. I am much happier residing under the guiding hand of my Father than my own feeble mind.
So to all my ward members: you are stuck with us for a while longer!
Sometimes it's really hard to feel gratitude. My brain understand gratitude and can recognize all that I have to be grateful for, but my heart just refuses to feel it. Today is one of those days. I feel heavy. I feel like crying. Maybe I will, later. I can't right now, I'm at work.
But what I won't do, is let myself sit stagnant like the other day. It's OK for me to feel sad and heavy sometimes. I don't have to feel happy all the time. But what isn't OK is to let it turn to carnal pride. So, I'm showered, I'm at work, I'm listening to uplifting music, I'm blogging about it, I'll read some conference talks and I'll get through it. Tomorrow, here I come.