Monday, December 10, 2012

I. Am. Struggling.

It has been a pretty rough week and a half or so.  I'm in detox mode right now because I'm working really hard to give something up that I have struggled to give up for a very long time now.  I've mustered halfhearted attempts at it in the past but none of those attempts were really all that serious.  This time I am serious.  The Lord has made the path clear for me to accomplish that which will provide me freedom.  I feel the Lord so close to me - I know He is here with me.  But the adversary is vigilantly nipping at my heals and his relentlessness is wearing on me.

I have been under a major attack the past few days.  I've had three user dreams and last night I had a night full of nightmares.  I have been triggering like crazy left and right and the adversary is whispering dark influences in my ear.  Such seductions as:

  • You can just view (pornography), its OK, no one will know. Just viewing isn't bad.
  • It's not that bad to just watch a movie with sexual content in it.  It's not full blown pornography.
  • If you rent a movie on Netflix there is a way to delete it so hubby doesn't know (we have a shared account).
  • One time.  Just one.  It won't hurt you.  You deserve it.
  • You remember the flood of dopamine don't you?  How good it feels coursing through your veins?  You know you want it.
The lies and temptations have been relentless...

I also woke up from a user dream the other day and when I awoke I was upset that my dream had been interrupted.  I wanted to stay in the dream.  I was mad because having a user dream is acting out for free; no accountability, right?  I'm not responsible for my dreams right?  

I may not be responsible for the dream itself no, but I for sure am responsible for how I react to it.  I got scared.  I'm not suppose to want it.  I'm suppose to be passed that.  Ugghhh SO STUPID!!

But I recognized my weakened state and as much as my body wanted that dream back I knew that my Spirit didn't.  As I fell back asleep I sent a desperate prayer up to Heaven: "Heavenly Father - I want to act our right now.  I want to view pornography.  I want to fall back asleep and pick up my dream right where I left off... and because of all that I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.  Please protect me.  Please keep my mind free and clear.  Please keep me safe."

And He did...

I keep going back in my mind to two thoughts... First is the scripture JSH 1:20:
It seems as though the adversary was aware, at a very early period of my life, that I was destined to prove a disturber and an annoyer of his kingdom; else why should the powers of darkness combine against me? Why the opposition...that rose against me...?
I can completely relate to this scripture.  I love it actually.  It shows me that the reason the adversary is pummeling me with temptation is because he knows the potential damage I can inflict on his well laid plans.  

DANG RIGHT!!!

The other thought is of my Stake President.  I know I've blogged about this before but it means so much to me that I constantly refer back to it.  I was struggling really hard a couple of years ago so I decided to make an appointment to visit with my Stake President.  I didn't understand what was happening.  I had been more obedient than I'd ever been before, I had recently spoken in Stake Conference (and announced I was an addict to the world, for the first time, as was asked of me), I was working hard on Family History, I was attending the Temple regularly and was wholeheartedly fulfilling my callings.  Yet still, I'd been one huge triggery mess for about three months straight.  I was getting pretty worn out and thought my Stake President could offer some insight and direction.

When I presented my case to him and asked the looming question "why?" he paused and thought for a moment.  He then offered me the most piercing counsel I think I have ever received.  I knew it came straight from my Father in Heaven.  He said:
Your Father in Heaven heard you speak in Stake Conference; He heard what you said.  He heard you make those promises to Him.  He wants to know if you meant what you said.  He is letting the wind blow on your branches in order to strengthen your roots.
I sat stunned as I soaked in his words.  I immediately felt a rush of comfort and peace and in that very moment my struggles no longer mattered.  What mattered was showing my Father in Heaven that I'd for sure meant what I'd said and that my promises to Him were sound and rooted in my Savior.  I left my Stake President's office that day with more renewed hope than I ever could have imagined or asked for.  

Now, during this trial, I imagine if I were to visit with my Stake President again he would offer the same counsel he offered me two years ago, because I believe the counsel given is universal.  

I am grateful that I am still sober because it would have been very easy for me not to be over the last few days.  I'm grateful for my wonderful support system that have let me lean on them.  They validate me, they encourage me, they bring me hope and they love me.  I am the luckiest girl in the world to have them.  I am most grateful for my Savior, for carrying the pain of this very trial for me, for my Heavenly Father for granting pretty much all requests as I seek His counsel and help, for the Spirit who truly is my constant companion and for all the angels who have stewardship over me; there are many.

I am recommitting to the following to help give me direction as this storm continues to blow...

I won't view pornography
I won't act out
I won't believe or succumb to the lies the adversary tells me
I will expose his lies to the world, here on my blog
I will raise my branches high, lift my eyes heavenward, and willingly submit to the wind as it blows
And as tears stream down my face... 
I will be still...

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Sid! I have been struggling too so much lately and it really helps to know that someone else understands, because I've been feeling completely alone. Keep going! You can do this! ~Stacey

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    1. I think the adversary is on a rampage right now... so many of us are having rough times!

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  2. I don't have the same exact struggles you do, but I can totally relate in my own little world! Thank you for sharing this. It really is universal I think!

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    1. Thanks girlie! You're right... the struggles may not look the same but they all have the same destructive power and require us to lean on the same solution for healing!

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  3. "He is letting the wind blow on your branches in order to strengthen your roots."
    this is a killer line...thanks for this honest post. Great example of surrendering to God. You have been through a lot with this...i love that you are so willing and open to share that with us. I really admire your courage. I really do. And I really appreciate the wisdom you pass on to me.

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    1. Thank you Warrior! I really appreciate that:-) For real.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"