Sunday, December 23, 2012

Journal: Been a Bad Couple Days

It all started on Thursday.  About 5:30pm I was laying on the couch just trying to rest a bit before dinner when I got hit with an intense craving for bad things.  I laid there far too long.  I didn't necessarily entertain thoughts too much, but I looked at them; stared at them and longed for them.  I tried to steer my thoughts elsewhere but inevitably I'd end up back where I was trying to avoid, staring through the door into the abyss.  Finally I heard a loud thought in my head:

GET UP!!!

So I did.  I can't say I wanted to.  I didn't exactly get up all that fast.  It was more of a sluggish drag actually.  I walked passed my husband and mumbled something about getting ready for group.  I was still longing to lay down and numb myself with rushes of dopamine.  On the way up the stairs I began to feel a release.  It was almost symbolic as I ascended upward, the chains of blur began to lift.  I felt my emotions return and I quickly entered the bathroom, closed the door and just began to sob.  I cried out to my Heavenly Father and asked for immediate rescue.  I wanted the temptation removed from me.  I didn't welcome or want the challenge.  As I stood there I felt His gentle comfort wash over me as He told me no, He wouldn't remove the challenge from me because it's for my own good.  I felt the distinct impression that He wanted me to remember the temptation so I would never forget where I came from and how far He has carried me.  He reminded me that I was still safe however and that I had group that night where I could find support and comfort.  I left the bathroom feeling much better, but still shaken.

I'm no longer triggering per say, but I'm still feeling the affects from it.  I hate feeling this way.  But I'm rolling with it.  I won't give up.  And I will continue to learn from the struggles given to me.  Next time, I will get up faster.  Next time, I will work to recognize the thought as dangerous from the very beginning, rather than testing the boundary.

~~~~~~~~~~

I'm scared to write what else is on my mind.  I feel the urge to censor... but I've concluded that it's not healthy for me to pick and choose what I'm honest about.  I don't want to hide.  Hiding one thing will just lead to hiding another... so I'm just going to be open.

Given that - I'd like to note that I don't claim that my below thoughts are exactly rational.  But rather, I'm just expressing how I feel.

I feel lonely.  I've really struggled lately with having friends that are in recovery because I grow close to them, and then they struggle and disappear.  In recovery, we love one another, but we allow people their freedom and agency - so if they struggle and disappear, we pray for them and love them and put their name in the Temple, but we don't chase after them or hunt them down.  We feel that the decisions they need to make are theirs and theirs alone and we can only let them know we will always be here for them when they are ready to come back.

But this is hard for me - because I grow to love them and when they disappear it shakes me.  I already struggle with abandonment issues from my childhood so it's difficult to have people come in and out of my life so quickly.  I grow attached and then they leave.  In the wake of that event I am left feeling tossed aside; disposable.

Even in my friendships with sisters in my ward.  I feel like many of them are one sided.  I feel like I'm the one that texts them to see how they are doing - or reaching out to them to see if they want to hang out.

I feel like everyone thinks I'm the strong one and that I don't need support.  I do.

I know I'm not the easiest person to actually make plans with.  My husband and I both work two jobs and we both go to school, plus we have three kids and then there is church duties and group... life .... is..... cRaZy.  But, I'm good with text conversations and I'd love to hang out - I just need notice.

But again the Lord is good to me.  As I expressed this to him yesterday through racking sobs He gently whispered to me that even this trial is for my good.  He is teaching me to rely on Him rather than on people.  He is teaching me that He is my one and only true constant and that my attachment would better serve me to be on Him, rather on temporary relationships.

I feel guilty for even expressing all of this because I feel like I've lost my gratitude.  I know I have.  When I get whiny like this it's because I've lost my gratitude.  It's there somewhere, I just have to find it.

Maybe today at church...

4 comments:

  1. I completely understand, Sid! I've been feeling the same! I pray for you daily! ~Stacey

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I won't disappear on you if you don't disappear on me! I am praying for you! Seems to me the hardest times come right before the biggest blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  3. you are amazing! Thanks for this post. Thanks for everything. Thanks for helping to save me. Love you, lady!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry you are struggling, but thanks for being real. I think my new goal is to surround myself with people who are "real." I think they are the best people to keep around! I'm praying for you!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"