Scapegoats and Comparisons


I was never abused as a child, but for a long time, prior to recovery and even a little ways in,  I actually wished I had been abused. I wished I had been abused so that I could use it as an excuse for my addictive appetites.  I wanted to be able to hang my hat on it; so my actions didn't have to be my fault.  I so desperately needed to have a reason for the way I was.

However, as I worked the steps and began to get a better grasp of recovery and a firmer grip on my own value, something began to change. The Lord introduced me to a new way of thinking.  He instilled in me the desire to not only discover my own accountability for my addictive behavior but also the ability to accept and own it.  Such knowledge was a great gift from my Father to me because it unlocked me and freed me from a huge shackle that had kept me bound for many, many years.

Armed with my knew knowledge, I let go of the past that kept me bound and decided it no longer mattered.  

It didn't matter how I came to be where I was because it didn't change the fact that I was where I was.  I realized that sifting around in the past looking for a reason; for something to blame my addiction on, kept me stuck there; kept me locked in the past. 

So I stopped.  

I stopped seeking a scapegoat, that object of blame, that shift and deflection of accountability.  I surrendered to the fact that where I was just is, and that I would better serve myself by focusing my energy forward, on my Savior, who was waiting to heal me.

That is when my recovery really began.

When I let go of the past, turned and faced forward, and just started walking, leaving the past in the dust.


Another trap we are susceptible to falling into is comparing our journey to other's journeys.  Often we view such comparison as a way to keep us secure in what seems to be safety, but in reality it is a distorted view of isolation.

Often we recognize ourselves comparing when it comes to physical attributes or personality traits or social standing etc... but we can often do it in recovery too:

  • I'm not as 'addict' as they are
  • They are much younger/older than I am
  • I'm sure they don't struggle with what 'I' struggle with
  • They are happy, I'll never fit in here

...the lies are endless.

It's important that we understand that these statements truly are lies of the adversary   He whispers them to us to keep us away from recovery; to keep us feeling distant, and separate, and isolated from the healing touch of the Light of Christ.

So emphasizing the fact that I wasn't abused or didn't have major trauma "like other women" was a form of comparison and left me feeling alone, lost and even left out.

The very fact that all types of women (from all walks of life) are struggling with sexual addiction, with or without trauma, is huge evidence that Satan is at the root of this problem.  

Shame and isolation are the devil's playground. 


  1. I really needed to hear this. I have also done the whole 'wish i was abused' thing... then when I convinced myself of the truth that I was not, I tried to place blame on someone else. I realize I am doing it and am STRIVING to not... to realize that I am who and how I am because. And all I can do now is move forward. I can't go back, so why dwell there? I am constantly comparing myself too. Sometimes patting myself on the back that I'm not as 'addict' as that person.... wow. stupid. I am still an addict. I am still who and how I am. Just because I perceive someone else's addiction to be 'better' or 'worse' than my own, that doesn't take away the fact that I have an addiction. Definitely things I am working on.

    1. Good to know I'm not the only one! I think it's pretty common actually. I really like how you pointed out that comparison can go both ways too.:-)

  2. I, too, needed to hear this.

    I especially liked this part...."It didn't matter how I came to be where I was because it didn't change the fact that I was where I was." Looking to blame my husband for where I am today isn't going to change where I am, where we are. I am here now and I need to focus my energy on moving forward, on my Savior...then, like you, recovery can truly begin for me.

    Thanks again!

    1. Love this! Yes! I think this type of thinking can be applied to ALL sorts of situations in life.

  3. Guilty and guilty!! I am the so bad at comparing myself in recovery as well as all aspects of my life. I have discovered lately because I have been so so busy it usually comes in times of idleness or loneliness and recently I haven't been as bad at this. Maybe I am just getting better recovery because I actually am learning to kinda like who I am even with all my flaws. I also was not abused in any way and my heart breaks for those that came to their addictions because of it. But the way doesn't in fact matter, just that we are recovering.


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