Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Still . . .

During one of the classes at The Togetherness Project, the presenter posed a challenge to us.  He gave us each a note-card and asked that we write down one of two things:
  1. Something that we have never told another soul; our deepest darkest secret.
  2. If we no longer hold any secrets, how do we feel now about the secret we once held.
This is what I wrote:
In case you can't read my handwriting:
"Shame - fear of judgement, stigma/stereotyping & labeling.  I would be socially branded."

I still feel shame for things that I have given to God through His ordained repentance process.

Things that I have:  
  • Inventoried it in Step 4.
  • Shared with my sponsor and Bishop, free of rationalization and justification, in Step 5.
  • Committed to do better in the future.
  • Worked to not focus on, not feed, and to face forward.
Yet - I still feel shame for it.  
Why?  Because I am scared of what others will think/feel/say/do.
I am not perfect in my surrender.

Even though my mission is to bring shame awareness and help others find hope, I am not perfect at it myself.

In my recent post, Lustcrave, I expressed my feelings surrounding a recent struggle that I faced and didn't handle as well as I would have liked.  I succumbed to temptation and looked at some things I shouldn't have.

I received some feedback on that post that led me to believe some may think that I am 'recovered' or 'cured.'  

I want to make it clear that I have not been miraculously cured. 

I still trigger
I still crave
I still feel shame
I still battle my own human hormones
I still struggle to keep intimacy with my husband clean

But... (and this is one time I advocate using the word 'but' which usually negates what came prior)

I am grateful for all of it.  Because without it - I would not so passionately rely on my Savior the way I do.

If I don't speak of my specific struggle, it is not because I don't struggle, because I surely do. But rather, I choose to expend my energy on furthering the work, spreading hope, and creating connections.

I no longer feed each little trigger or temptation that I experience by dwelling on it, or wallowing in the 'why me' of it.  

Recovery comes more swiftly when I focus on the Lord and work toward Him, rather than focusing on that which keeps me away from Him.

3 comments:

  1. Love this! It is true. We all still struggle. It is part of being human.

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  2. This is similar to what Rhyll just wrote about being a wife in recovery.

    "However, I have never known anyone, including myself, who in their humility, honesty and accountability will say that they have achieved perfect recovery. We strive for progress not perfection. That is why I love surrounding myself with women who are humbly, with God’s help, working to be consistently true to themselves."

    http://www.womenfordecency.org/blog/long-going-take-addiction-recovery/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I like that! And it's so true. I get asked that all the time "will I ever be cured?"... and I just have to say 'it's possible, but not likely...'... I think the change comes when we choose to view our addiction as an opportunity rather than a curse.

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"