Monday, March 25, 2013

Journal: I'm Sloshing All Over the Place

Do you ever feel like your 'addict' is spilling out all over the place and no matter how hard you try there is no way to keep it in?  That's how I feel right now.

I just had one of the worst weekends I've had in a long time.  I was triggering like crazy and I didn't come out on top.  I didn't slip - physically.  But I'd say I did mentally.

I have these fantasy rooms in my head that I call my 'what-if' rooms.  Most of them are dormant but there are a couple, one in particular, that still gives me a lot of trouble from time to time.  I go in that room to escape my reality.  It's cozy in there, warm, inviting and has an all-you-can-partake-of dopamine bar.  I pretty much lived in there all weekend.

Total failure...

I didn't reach out for help
I didn't tell anyone
...and
I offended the Spirit, more than once

I feel...

Ashamed
Angry
Frustrated
Stuck
Tired
Judgmental
Fake
Sad
Hypocritical
Alone
Vulnerable
Stupid
Weak

It's amazing to me how fast these feelings can come on and how absolutely heavy they are.

Normally I have some fiery words of defiance against the adversary to swing dark posts such as this one back into 'hope' but I really don't have anything today.

Except... I won't give up

...and

I'm sorry.

6 comments:

  1. Sorry about the rough spell Sidreis. I guess this goes to show that we never get to take it easy. We have to be close to God and our support the rest of our lives. but for some reason....i see it as a good thing.

    let those negative feelings go and get back on the horse.

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    1. Thanks Warrior... getting on. I feel like Aragorn struggling to get back up on his horse after been thrown over the ledge. But, he did. And so will I.

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  2. Oh dear. I will remember you in my prayers tonight, because I am remembering how wonderful and real prayer is, and it sounds like you could use some more guardian angels.

    I LOVE your room analogy and your visualization of such a place. Perhaps we can call "This Old House" show and have them demo that room and you can remodel it into a more secure, but still cozy room--complete with a bean bag chair, some lava lamps, and a milkshake bar instead. :)

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    1. Hah - this totally make me laugh out loud. The only thing missing is my friends and family. Gotta have my support system there! Love it:-)

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  3. I love you seattle. That made me smile!!
    Sidreis. I love you too. It helps to know we are all human, we all have to strive every day to keep this up. I have many rooms in my head like that too. In fact so many I have a mansion of addiction. It has helped me fall asleep for years and escape things like family events that I don't want to be at. It has been really hard boarding up those rooms and never going back in. I still do from time to time but I am learning how not to. In large part because of you. :) Thank you for your honesty and not giving up.

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    1. They suck right? For my rooms I see a long hall, like a hall you'd see in a hotel... like the halls you see in The Shining ::: shiver ::: dark and lonely and creepy. Most are boarded up and covered in spider webs but there is that one ... where light shines out from underneath it, the door has a coat of fresh red paint and it's warm to the touch. Ugh. It sucks! But I'm shutting it. Staying out of there!

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Thank you for sharing a moment with me:-)

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"